CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF GOD

No translation required.

In case you were distracted by those kids in the cave (not the way Kevin Spacey was), God's been in the news lately -- at times, according to His supporters, quite deliberately. 

But let's begin for the reason why God has apparently been making Himself known. Last week, Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte made it clear that he's had it up to here with the Almighty, questioning the concept of "original sin" in infants, which can be washed away only through baptism. 

"Where is the logic there?" he asked, offering to resign if someone, anyone, took a selfie with God to prove His existence. To further spice things up, Duterte also called God "stupid" and a "son of a bitch". 

I thought it was a pearl in an oyster shell.

Well, if you're a certain kind of believer, God decided to take Duterte up on his offer. First, the alleged "Eye of God" appeared over Inner Mongolia. While this isn't technically a selfie -- the person behind the camera isn't seen -- for many people it was the real deal.

This begs a few questions. Is God a Cyclops? Is He winking? Can CBS sue for ripping off its logo? (I would love to hear a bailiff announce "Les Moonves vs God" in open court.) And why Inner Mongolia? Wouldn't it have played better in the Philippines where Rodrigo "Where the hell is God?" Duterte lives? I know that everybody's got internet, but seeing the eye of God outside your palace might make a guy think twice. 

Him and His shadow...

Clearly not impressed by the photo, Duterte decided he could keep his job. So it was up to God to pull another stunt, this time in Tuscaloosa, Alabama, and caught on video by a woman named Solo Dolo (who I initially mistook for a James Bond villain).  Ms. Dolo was filming the sky during an approaching storm when she noticed an opening in the clouds overhead. 

This itself was enough proof of God for Ms. Dolo. But it wasn't until she posted it online that viewers claimed to see God walking across that open patch of sky. 

Again, this presents more questions than answers. Should God be walking at His age? I mean, can't He afford some mode of transportation other than His two legs? For those who say this stroll renews their faith in God, wouldn't there be a better way to prove His existence -- world peace, curing AIDS, giving me my hair back? 

And why Tuscaloosa?!  For someone who created Earth, you'd think He could find the Philippines. Memo to St. Peter: get your boss a GPS for Christmas.

While Melania prays to disappear, Donald prays that he
marries Ivanka next.

Now, real Evangelical Christians don't need no stinking clouds to prove to them God exists --  millions believe He elected Donald Trump president. Talk about gerrymandering! God's voting district appears to be 3,000 miles wide. So much for my vote counting.

You'd think that Evangelicals, who are also convinced that millions of illegals are voting these days, would object to a non-citizen taking over the whole shebang. Uh-uh -- they're delighted about God's strong-arm tactics at the polls. And among them is Rev. Franklin Graham, son of the famous anti-Semitic, warmongering, power suck-up Billy Graham. 

Questions for Franklin Graham: If God cares so much about us that He interfered with our election in a way that would make Vladimir Putin proud, did He skip out when, say, Obama or Clinton ran for office?  Was He on vacation those years? Is God a Republican?

Nor can He remember important dates.

Paranoid Evangelicals, then, clearly rank higher on God's to-do list than terrorist victims, Jews in death camps, slaves in cottonfields, children born with defective hearts, or families killed by drunk drivers. For a bunch of people forever whining about how hard they have it, Evangelicals appear to live the life of riley. (To be fair, there seems to be no end to Christian groups getting killed in bus crashes, so perhaps that evens things out.)

Yet, many people have been crediting God with rescuing the cave kids. But why did He let them go there in the first place? If He had said to them, "Hold it, you're walking two miles into a cave during monsoon season? Let's think about this", that would've been much better proof of His existence than clouds creating optical illusions. Why can't He be proactive instead of reactive?

But the biggest question of all: Why the hell did He elect that stupid son of a bitch Rodrigo Duterte?

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