Monday, September 24, 2018


This is Bill's kind of body count.
Back in the pre- and early internet days, urban legends were the rage -- the dead Munchkin in The Wizard of Oz, a woman being murdered on the Ohio Players' "Love Rolleroaster" single, the Clinton body count, Mothman terrorizing innocent people in West Virginia, etc.

All of these were so obviously ridiculous that I tried to start my own urban legend. It went like this:

When CBS was renovating the Ed Sullivan Theatre for David Letterman's new series in 1993, a skeleton of a teenage girl was found in the basement.

As police researched the mystery, they learned that, yes, a teenage girl had told friends that she was determined to enter the theater when the Beatles first appeared on the Sullivan show in February, 1964. She vanished that night, never to be seen again. 

Not to mention... murder!
Police also learned that a stagehand working on the Sullivan show disappeared that same night. They theorized that the girl had been promised a seat by the stagehand, who instead took her to the basement where he raped and murdered her. He then fled New York, never to be seen again.

Ridiculous? Sure -- but so was the idea that Paul McCartney was dead, and plenty of people believed that. I actually got a couple of work colleagues to spread my Sullivan Theater rumor to friends across the country, but it didn't seem to have taken hold. Too mundane, I suppose.

So with that failure under my belt, I've decided to move onto the world of conspiracy theories. I figure if a joker calling himself QAnon can fool 40% of the American population, I can commandeer the idiot train, too. 

Here's my theory: Donald Trump is secretly working to get enough Democrats elected to take over both houses of Congress and, in 2020, the presidency.

The devil you say? Hear me out! It's pretty much accepted fact that when there's a Democrat in the White House, Democrat voters get complacent during mid-terms, while Republicans will run over family members in order to get to the polls. Donald Trump, a lifelong Democrat until he ran for president, realized that Hillary Clinton would likely lose the 2016 election thanks to anti-Hillary registered voters staying home. 

Trump didn't want any of the Republican candidates to win; thus, he played to the disenfranchised voters, including those who went with Obama for two terms. Having figured out that the Electoral College was the way to win, he made a play for Pennsylvania, Michigan and Wisconsin -- states that Hillary ignored.

After getting elected, he signed a tax cut for the rich, while reneging on his promises for increased spending on healthcare and infrastructure -- two causes dear to Democrats' hearts. 

Good Lord, how many times do I have to run this picture?!
To further ramp things up, he started behaving like such a racist, misogynist idiot with the vocabulary of a 6 year-old, and a crush on international dictators, so Democrats (and women in particular) would not only start voting like never before in midterms, a whole new crop (again, women) would run for office. 

And as long as he was at it, why not nominate a drunken frat boy for the Supreme Court? That was bound to raise some hackles. Rod Rosenstein -- the only person standing between Trump and Robert Mueller -- is said to be resigning, which can only fuel Democrat voters' fears. 

Trump is so determined that Democrats get elected that he's willing -- happy, excited, delighted -- to throw former friends and colleagues under the bus for conspiring with Vladimir Putin to throw the election. And he's even put himself in danger of a jail jolt -- that's how much he wants Democrats elected. 

The result? Democrats now have a double-digit lead in mid-term polls. A new crop of interesting, attractive presidential candidates for 2020 are on the horizon. The GOP is now identified as the party of racist white men. And, astonishingly, socialism is catching on with Americans.

Who do we have to thank for all this? President Donald John Trump. 

Start spreading the word: President Trump is a closet Democrat out to destroy the Republican party for a generation or two.

Embarrassed to get on the bandwagon? Don't be. If people could believe Clint Eastwood is really Stan Laurel's son, you'll be hailed as a visionary.


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