Days after Goya CEO Robert Unanue praised Donald Trump during an event last week at the White House, Ivanka Trump tweeted a photo of herself holding up a can of Goya beans.
President Trump immediately ordered a wall to be built around his daughter.
In related news, Ivanka Trump urged out-of-work Americans to “find something new” Tuesday as part of a new jobs initiative.
"Take me, for example," Ms. Trump said. "Thanks to Goya, I've gone from whoring for politics to whoring for beans!"
Several NBC affiliates will refuse to air the upcoming 30 Rock reunion special because it's doubling as a 60-minute commercial for the network's new rival streaming service Peacock. 30 Rock creator Tina Fey said, "See, I've found something new, too: whoring for my old network!"
Amazon is ramping up its mission to make shopping faster with a new high-tech shopping cart that eliminates the need for long lines at the cash register — and the cashiers who run them.
Announcing the new service, Amazon president Jeff Bezos assured reporters "I promise former cashiers will be able to find something new: working for slave wages at our warehouse!"
"In my defense, however," Trudeau said, "I figured this kind of shit worked for the Clintons and Trumps, so why not me?"
In a rambling, near-incoherent Rose Garden campaign speech disguised as a press conference yesterday, Pres. Donald Trump made several incorrect remarks regarding police shootings, COVID-19, Joe Biden, and China.
Asked why, Trump explained, "I've lied everywhere else, why not there?"
"And by 'bigger tent'," said Hogan, "I mean enough to hold even more racists, neo-Nazis, tax dodgers, sociopaths, and mentally-defective Evangelicals. Oh, and Trumps. Lots and lots of Trumps."
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