BREAKING NEWS: 4/30/2021

 New York mayoral candidate Scott Stringer has been accused by a former
staffer of sexual misconduct. Jean Kim claims that, 20 years ago, he repeatedly groped her while asking, "Why won't you fuck me?"

Asked for a comment, Stringer told reporters, "That's absurd. Anyone with one good eye would know why they wouldn't want to fuck me."

 

Feven Kiflegiorgis, a news anchor of the Fox network's Las Vegas affiliate, made an on-air apology after being found passed out drunk and naked in her Audi.

The arresting officer said that Kiflegiorgis was definitely fair and really nicely balanced.

In Georgia, former deputy Cody Griggers bragged in a text to a right-
wing extremist group that he had beaten up a black man and was charging black people with felonies so they couldn't vote. 

Republican Georgia governor Brian Kemp thanked Griggers for his service.

In New York, Elon Musk is challenging Uber and Lyft by providing Tesla vehicles for Revel's new ride-sharing service.

Musk promises to improve Tesla's reputation by making sure they kill people only during every other crash.

 

Police in Queens, New York arrested a man accused of threatening a FedEx
driver with a bow and arrow.

Mayor de Blasio told reporters, "This arrest proves that our crackdown on gun violence is working."

Sarah Arauco and Dagner Rojas, two YouTube "influencers", fell 12-storys to their deaths in Bolivia in what police believe was a murder-suicide.

Normal people hope this will influence more influencers to kill themselves.

 

Space researchers told reporters that sex would be difficult for
astronauts going to Mars and other distant planets.

NASA officials said there won't be a problem if they're married couples. 

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