THE SOON-TO-BE-LATE "LATE" SHOWS

My idea of television production was making sure
this was in focus every morning.

On my first day of Introduction to Television Production in college, I learned two things. First, I wasn't cut out for producing television. 

The second was even more important. After everyone settled into their seats, the teacher cleared his throat and spoke his first words. "What," he asked, "is the number one job of television?"

After a few seconds of silence, answers were offered. "Entertainment." "Information." "Bringing people together." 

When everybody had their say, the teacher once again cleared his throat. "The number one job of television is to sell advertising time." 

Don't cry for me, Upper West Side...

I bring this up as a way of pontificating about the cancellation of The Late Show with Stephen Colbert. On the face -- make that the CBS eye of it, it was terribly suspicious. You could say it stinks like Taylor Swift's dance routines. It seemed to confirm that the network was cowtowing to D.J. Trump. (Something about Paramount Global, which includes CBS, merging with yet another company -- what used to be called a monopoly but is now considered business as usual.) 

But you're not the CEO of CBS. He --a guy whose name, George Cheeks, is straight out of a Mafia comedy -- operates on a plane different than you or me.

And here's where I separate from the conspiracy theorists. From where I sit (the dining room table), the Colbert cancellation was likely just business. Nothing political. Certainly nothing personal. From Cheeks' perspective, he was giving good ol' Steve a year to clean out his desk. Pretty generous, wouldn't you say? 

No, you wouldn't. But he would, because he wasn't thinking how it would look to you. He's thinking, Everybody knows this is how business operates. Cheeks recently got rid of @midnight, the game show following Colbert, so he figures, Why stop there? Too, he's not replacing Colbert with, say, Shane Gillis. He's getting rid of the show, period. Your CBS affiliate will decide what goes on at 11:35 -- most likely reruns of How I Met Your Mother or Seinfeld, which will get higher ratings at the local level than Colbert has in the last few years.

CBS in the red, get it?

Here's some more business. The Late Show's annual budget including Colbert's salary is $100-million. According to the New York Times, the show's annual loss is $50-million, while it draws just two million viewers. How long would you be willing to lose 50-million smackolas on a product that had 500,000 fewer customers than the population of Brooklyn? Now pretend you're an advertiser. How long would you be willing to drop good money on a show with those kinds of numbers? Nothing personal or political, Steve. Just business.

I reached out to a friend who spent decades in the business side of network television to get his take on l'affaire Colbert. In lieu of texting a shrug, he wrote, "I just take it at face value. Late night used to be a cash cow, but now they all hemorrhage money." He added that long-running primetime programs get cancelled all the time, but "CBS just admitted reality. They don't need [The Late Show]." 

Over one and a half million Americans got laid off this past May, and everybody outside their families and friends continued to go about their daily routine. But a guy who earns over $4,000,000 a month to tell jokes and interview people who agree with him losing his job is suddenly worth slamming their breaks for. (Maybe the newly-unemployed folks can get their minds off of their current situation by watching a video tour of Colbert's $3-million mansion in Montclair, New Jersey.)

How will the rich middle-aged white guys live?

Show business being a hotbed of backstabbers and jealousy, there was a time when someone getting tossed to the curb would have aroused glee among rivals. But while Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, and Seth Meyers are outspoken in their sorrow at Colbert's fate, their unspoken words are, We're next. They know they're not needed.

Do you watch these guys other than on viral clips shown on morning news shows? Not if ratings are any indication, you don't. Not even the tarnished jewel in NBC's corroded crown, The Tonight Show, is immune. Under Jimmy Fallon's steady stewardship, Tonight can now boast of one million viewers. That's less than the total population of Rhode Island. 

Laugh it up, funnyboy. Your time is
coming.

Remember network executives panicking when the Tonight ratings dropped to
2.7-million under Conan O'Brien? Had the business model not changed since then, Fallon would have gone back to being a soda shill. Luckily for him, NBC is focusing more on its Peacock streaming channel, while The Tonight Show remains on the air because... well, because it has since 1952. Like the song says, Tradition!  

It'll be interesting to watch Colbert's numbers in the next 10 months. If there's a ratings bounce, he'll probably think Where were these people when I needed them? Well, not watching TV, which is what they'll continue not to watch once the novelty of a tuning into a sinking ship wears off. And if his numbers remain in the two-million ballpark, CBS will feel justified in getting rid of The Late Show. I'm unsure if this is a win-win or lose-win or lose-lose even more situation

If you're old enough to
remember Jerry Lester,
you're not alive to read this.

It's something everybody at the networks are aware of but nobody says out loud: late night is deader than Jerry Lester's Broadway Open House. Not like you'll see Stephen Colbert panhandling outside the Ed Sullivan Theater. Even as you read this, streaming platforms from Apple to YouTube are already renting Brinks trucks for the time he becomes a free agent next May. And as for viewership, even if Colbert brings in half of Conan O'Brien's current streaming numbers of 15 million downloads per month, it will still dwarf what he and the other late-nighters currently have on TV. 

Conan's five-year contract is worth $150-million. For Colbert, that might be a cut in pay, but it's still pretty good dough when the fanciest thing you wear to work is a set of quality headphones. And, like Conan, he'll work just once a week. Let me know if you still care after you get laid off.

Memo to all the angry Colbert fans cancelling their Paramount+ subscription: You realize, of course, that by doing this, The Late Show's ratings will sink lower, right? 

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