BREAKING NEWS: 8/22/2025

The FDA advised Walmart customers in a press release not to “eat, sell, or serve certain imported frozen shrimp” from an Indonesian distributor, BMS Foods, due to possible contamination with the radioactive isotope, cesium-137.

"In our defense," a company spokesman said, "anyone who buys shellfish at Walmart is asking for trouble."

Attorneys for Aviva Copaken sued United Airlines, saying that their client Copaken flew three times this year and paid to reserve a window seat. “On each of the three occasions, she was disappointed to discover that her ‘window’ seat did not have a window at all,” the suit said. “She paid between $45.99 and $169.99 to select the ‘window’ seat on each of those flights.”

Company spokesman Harry Lillis said, "This person falls for the 'no window seat' gag three times in a row, and we're the problem?"

In related news, Delta Airlines was also sued for selling windowless "window seats" to passengers.

In response, a Delta spokesman told reporters, "The way our planes have been in accidents lately, you think they'd be grateful not to look out the window."

A new, 8-CD edition of the Beatles Anthology collection has been announced, adding to the seemingly never-ending releases from the band that broke up 55 years ago.

An Apple Records spokesman said, "This is further proof that the magic of the Beatles reaches across generations to find people willing to spend ridiculous amounts of money every time we regurgitate the same stuff with new packaging." 

Hallmark eliminated 30 jobs on Wednesday in an effort to “transition our workforce to meet the needs of the business today.”

In an internal memo, Hallmark CEO Sid Davis told staffers, "On the other hand, this is a wonderful chance to create a whole new line of 'Sorry you lost your job' cards."

New York Mayor Eric Adams was said to be "shocked" when learning that campaign aide Winnie Greco tried three times to give a reporter a potato chip bag filled with cash, claiming it was a "cultural gesture" rather than a bribe. 

Adams said, "I will not stand for anyone in my administration eating potato chips when dried kale is much healthier!"

Rock star Jack White has unleashed a blistering takedown of Donald Trump,
labeling the president a “low life fascist”.

On his Truth Social account, Trump responded with, "I AM NOT A LOW LIFE!"

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