Thursday, November 15, 2012


MIA in the Petraeus scandal (i.e., Operation Slutty Socialite) is how well all concerned lived up to the clichés we’ve come to expect from this kind of thing.

What's up, dick?
First: that a smart, somewhat attractive, middle-aged woman – like Paula Broadwell, let's say -- will fall for any man in power – even one who, like Petraeus, resembles a human incarnation of Bugs Bunny. And that she will do this in spite of putting two marriages in jeopardy. Or perhaps that might be the whole idea; you know, the whole excitement of it all. Because this is further proof, if any is needed, that when it comes to men, the theory of sisterhood is right up there with intelligent design (which, come to think of it, all these people lack).

Second: that same smart, somewhat attractive, middle-aged woman will immediately sharpen her claws when another of her kind – perhaps Jill Kelley, just as an example -- starts prowling around her territory, even if the second woman isn’t necessarily honing in on the same guy. It’s just the thought of a rival within eyeshot that sends her hormones raging. Many girls who receive their diploma, it seems, never really leave high school.

Third: the utter hypocrisy of Broadwell condemning Kelley as a "seductress" when Broadwell herself elected to share amorous congress with Petraeus – who, in case you need reminding, is a married man. There’s so much projection going on, Broadwell ought to get a job at the local cineplex.

The Edmund Hilary of social climbers, Jill Kelley apparently spent every waking minute planning parties for military brass while the grunts were getting their legs shot off in Afghanistan. For this, and helping process visas and passports gratis, she was named "honorary consul for South Korea." She then parlayed what was nothing more than an "Employee of the Month" citation into trying to gain diplomatic immunity, most likely from reality.

In addition to being crazy, Jill Kelley and her twin sister Natalie share a condition that
keeps their head at a 75-degree angle at the sight of any camera. (That's Jill's husband along with
Petraeus and his wife. Take a good look: do you sleep well at night knowing that the head of the CIA  
hung out with these people?)

And a sex scandal wouldn’t be complete without the inevitable “please respect our privacy” press releases…while both women make sure to stand next to windows while wearing outfits pink enough to melt kryptonite so the paparazzi can get a better shot. (What's that I smell? I think it's a couple of book deals simmering on the back burner!)
       "Why can't you awful people leave us alone...and can you get my other angle next time?"

The men involved, of course, are no better. Now you, General Petraeus -- you’re running the CIA and yet you’re dim enough not to know that affairs involving high profile government figures go public sooner or later? That communications are regularly scanned for possible leaks or violations? And did you really think that your email regarding “sex under the desk” would be considered some kind of top secret code for anything other than, er, sex under the desk? Come on, Dave. With that kind of “intelligence community” running the show, I’m shocked that any of our embassies are still in one piece.
Look at Broadwell gazing at her man -- with his wife right there in front of him!
That girl is in loooooovvvvvvvve.
Petraeus claimed have resigned for his "unacceptable" actions. In a word, bullshit. Because if that was true, he'd have left after the first go-round with Ms. Broadwell. No, he hit the road because he got caught. But the general should take comfort from a prominent public figure who didn't think he should have quit: “As I understand the facts as we’ve seen in the papers so far, there was no criminal violation here. There was no violation, I’ve been told, of even C.I.A. rules or regulations..." Those words of support, by the way, came from Eliot Spitzer.

A ten-gun salute to General John Allen, however –- apparently you weren’t buttering the muffin with Jill Kelley. Good for you! (This is what it comes to: congratulating a married man for not having an affair.) But still – sharing thousands of emails with her? Hell, I haven’t shared thousands of words with my wife, and we’ve been married 20 years.

And just to let you know the sound judgement of Petraeus and Allen, they wrote letters of support in a child custody case involving Jill Kelley's twin sister Natalie -- who a judge later decided had "severe psychological deficits." When they're called "four star generals," the four stars they're referring to must be the Marx Brothers.

Come to think of it, I'd feel safer with these guys defending us.

Coming soon to Playgirl: The Boys
of the FBI.
A special tip of the zipper to Frederick Humphries, the FBI agent who became so obsessed with Kelley during his investigation that he sent her a beefcake photo of himself. (His lawyer has since claimed that it was a gag shot posed with some similarly unattired shooting range targets -- that he was essentially just another dummy. This stuff just writes itself.) What is it about a woman who resembles an overstuffed vampire that made so many important men lose their heads? It makes me want to turn in my XY chromosomes in shame.

Truly, when it comes to sex, women can be incredibly stupid, but men are flat-out idiots. In fact, every person involved here should be strung up not for breaking any laws, but because they lived up to their worst stereotypes.

And somewhere Bill Clinton is asking, “So what’s the problem?”



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