Tuesday, January 22, 2013


Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te'o had admitted that he should have seen the warning signs that he was the victim of a hoax. "In retrospect, it was so obvious she was fake girlfriend," he told reporters. "She laughed at all my jokes, didn't watch the Grey's Anatomy marathon and never told me what to do." In related news, when asked why he was giving his first post-scandal interview with Katie Couric, Te'o said, "It only makes sense I discuss my fake girlfriend with a fake journalist."

In the wake of Lance Armstrong's admission of doping after years of denial, his cancer charity, Livestrong, will drop the "v" from its name.

Following his inauguration, President and Mrs. Obama attended two balls, which is two more than Harry Reid and John Boehner have between them.

Geneticist George Church is looking for "an adventurous woman" to carry the clone of a Neanderthal baby. Neanderthals, he added, were not ignorant cavemen but were probably more intelligent than us. As an example, he said, they never tried to clone Neanderthals.

A male nurse working at a Sherman Oaks hospital has been arrested for having sex with a corpse. When asked why, he told police that he wanted to know what it was like to be married.

A potentially-toxic gas cloud has enveloped Paris. Chemists have traced its origin to the dining room of Gerard Depardieu.

Bruno Racine, director of France's National Library, is currently in negotiations to purchase the original manuscript of The 120 Days of Sodom by the Marquis de Sade. As described by the New York Times, "The work describes orgies and acts of abuse — sexual and otherwise — including pedophilia, necrophilia, incest, torture, rape, murder, infanticide, bestiality, violent anal and oral sex acts and the use of urination and defecation to humiliate and punish." The manuscript currently in the possession of the Penn State athletic department.

 "Micro-units" -- compact living spaces for young couples -- will soon be built on New York's East 27th Street. The apartments, 275 to 300 square feet in size, were designed after Mayor Bloomberg's sock closet. 

Rev. Al Sharpton successfully lobbied to have action figures based on the characters of Django Unchained removed from store shelves. As predicted, their value has skyrocketed on ebay, where a complete set is being offered for $20,000 by seller SharpRevNYC.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Nice work. I got to practice my Inner Rimshot a dozen times. And my Outer Groan twice. Keep slapping the plastic alphabet.