Thursday, January 24, 2013


New York magazine is reporting that real estate mogul Donald Trump is considering purchasing the New York Times. "Right now, it isn't bad," Trump said, "but with me at the helm, I intend to make the Trump New York Times the greatest newspaper in the world. First, I'm going to get rid of that cow Maureen Dowd. I mean, she's just not pretty enough to give an opinion. And the theater section can go, too. That's for the Village Voice crowd, if you get my drift. But the first order of business is putting up shiny brass and black marble pillars outside the Times building. That's classy, the way a world-class newspaper should be." He added that he looks forward to moving his office to Trumps Square.

The Pentagon is expected to announce today that women will be allowed to serve on the front-lines of combat missions. Recruitment will start with Chris Brown's ex-girlfriends.

The recent cold snap covering the northern part of the United States is part of a trend, scientists warn. "This phenomenon was known to ancient Greeks as 'χειμώνας'," Dr. Brad Lanes told reporters, "but meteorologists today call it 'winter.' And it doesn't look like it's going to end anytime before late March." He warned that we should expect it to be annual event for "the foreseeable future, if not more."

The family of the late linebacker Junior Seau has joined the ranks of 2,000 former pro football players who are suing the NFL. Hubert Frazier, a spokesman for the players, told ESPN, "The League has an obligation to warn players that being hit repeatedly in the head over the course of a decade or more can cause brain injuries."

During her testimony on Capitol Hill regarding the Benghazi debacle, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton explained the need for Marine security guards at US embassies. "Because as -- if you saw the recent movie Argo, you saw the Marines in there destroying classified material when the mob was outside in Tehran." She added, "And if you had seen Duck Soup, you would have seen the importance of puns during wartime and throwing fruit at your opposition leader." Mrs. Clinton went on to request two billion dollars for the purchase of oranges.

Finally breaking his silence on the 2012 campaign, former Vice-presidential candidate Paul Ryan blamed his and Mitt Romney's loss on poor communication. "I was dead set against saying a thing during the campaign, and so was Mitt. But our advisers told us we had to talk. You know, give our 'positions' on things like the -- what did they call it -- the 'economy' and 'job growth.' And as soon as we opened our mouths, boom, that's when the problems started." If he runs again, Ryan said, "I'm just going to stand there and grin, period. People seem to like that." 

Oregon Representative Mitch Greenlick is sponsoring a bill that makes cigarettes a Schedule III controlled substance, meaning it would be illegal to possess or distribute cigarettes without a doctor's prescription. "This is the best news we've heard in years," said tobacco industry spokesman Henry Dimsdale. "Selling cigarettes as a drug like Celebrex will finally allow us to advertise on TV again. But we're going to make sure we that we warn customers of possible side effects, like losing unwanted weight, looking cool and scoring with the best-looking chicks."

Peter Robbins was arrested on a total of 12 counts of stalking and making criminal threats against his girlfriend, who left him after he paid for her breast enhancements. Robbins, best known as the voice of Charlie Brown in the early "Peanuts" cartoons specials, bitterly complained to the judge, "I thought I'd finally found a place where Lucy couldn't steal those footballs."

Party stores, parades and MRI's have been badly affected by the recent helium shortage. Industry official Eric Augustine blames the shortage on a major consumption by Kirstie Alley.

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