Thursday, September 5, 2013


If you've been following the news lately, you know that everyone has an opinion about what we should or shouldn't do regarding Syria, whether you're Howard Dean or Bernard-Henri Levi, whom I thought was a journalist but, as identified onscreen, is actually a "Public Intellectual."  You can bet that he uses this to his advantage at parties:

"I'm Bernard-Henri."

"Nice to meet you, Bernard-Henri. I'm Jacques."
"Nice to meet you, Jacques. What do you do?"

"I drive a cab. What about you?"
"I'm a public intellectual."
"Oh. Um, I'm going for another beer. Nice talking to you."

And even though there's a world of difference between a public intellectual and a former hothead presidential candidate, what unites everyone with a microphone is the endless supply of cliches being tossed around like a pelota at a jai alai tournament. While this might make you want to turn off your TV, you can always relax by playing The Syria Drinking Game. Take one shot of fermented goat's milk every time you hear:

"Boots on the ground"
"Limited strikes" 
"U.S. credibility at stake"
"Syrian strongman"
"Dead women"
"Dead children"
"Dead women and children"
"Bogged down in a quagmire"
"Al-Qaeda recruiting tool"
"Regime change"
"Showdown with Vladimir Putin"
"Syrian power vacuum" (Not to be confused with the Dyson power vacuum)

Not relaxed enough yet? Skip the cliches, then, and hoist a glass when:

A Congressman comes out for or against a missile strike simply for political reasons.
John Kerry sticks out his tongue when speaking. 
John McCain changes his mind.
John McCain is taken seriously.
Somebody reports Donald Trump's opinion of Syria. (They haven't yet, but they will.)
The morning network news programs devote only five minutes to the Syrian story so they have enough time to run heartwarming YouTube videos.
The 6:30 network news programs devote only six minutes to the Syrian story so they have enough time to run heartwarming YouTube videos they ran that morning.

One surefire way guaranteed not to get blotto is when a reporter asks any of the following questions of anyone in the Obama administration:

"Shouldn't the $641-million worth of cluster bombs we're selling to Saudi Arabia take care of Syria without our involvement?"
"What's worse: Assad gassing 1,400 people or Rwanda's Hutus slaughtering 500,000 Tutsis with machetes in Africa over the course of three months in 1994?"
"Would we give a shit about anything that happens in the Mideast if it wasn't for oil?"


No comments: