Monday, October 21, 2013


Responding to the botched roll-out of the Affordable Healthcare website, President Obama today addressed a group of White House reporters to explain the steps the government was taking to rectify the situation.

"Look, no one is more disappointed than me regarding this unacceptable problem. But you have to understand,we had only two years to set up this website. That may seem like a long time to you guys, but look at the bigger picture. We've been in Afghanistan for 11 years and haven't accomplished a damn thing other than overthrowing a maniacal tyrant for a corrupt despot. So if you think that taking over 13% of the economy was going to be a cakewalk, then I'm sorry to bust your bubble."

But then the President had better news. "Fortunately, and surprisingly, the NSA has come to rescue. In studying the information gleaned from hacking into our allies' most sensitive emails, we've discovered that none of them believed we could set up a healthcare website. You know, stuff like, 'This is going to megabyte them on their ASCII.' 'They're going to have a worse operating system than a hospital with blind surgeons.' Real stupid jokes, y'know? But while engaging in this frankly juvenile behavior, they bragged about their own healthcare software and how it was set up. So right now, we're gathering all this stuff together, and we should have a new site up and running in no time. So next time you guys write about how out of control the NSA is, you might want to think about this. I mean, there's something called 'beta testing.' Who knew?"


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