Sunday, October 20, 2013


Only days after the Government re-opening, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) began a filibuster at the Dupont Circle Subway sandwich shop in Washington, DC. Condemning management's "needless over-layering of avocado on the Turkey & Bacon sandwich" and demanding a cutback on "the bologna earmarks in the Cold-Cut Combo," Cruz vowed to stand his ground until Subway "listened to the will of the customers," adding, "When they say they want to bring home the bacon, they're not talking about spinach." 

Cruz was soon joined by Sen. Mike Lee (R-Utah), who told reporters, "There is not a foot-long's difference between me and the senator from Texas on this matter," and offered to take over if Cruz needed to use the facilities. "I just hope they have paper towels," Lee said. "Those hand blowers are just another scam by the environmentalists to control the way Americans dry themselves."  

Customers gave their orders over Sen. Cruz's filibuster. "All I want is my Chicken Cordon Bleu Melt," said a frustrated Brad Lanes, who was on his lunchtime break from nearby Dupont Computers. "And this guy just hogs the aisle yakking his head off." Turning to Cruz, Lanes shouted, "Don't you have a rotunda to go to or something?" But Jeannine Carpenter, a self-described "Tea Party queen," applauded the senator. "Until Ted brought this up, I hadn't noticed that the people behind the counter were skimping on the Genoa salami in favor of tomatoes on the Spicy Italian Sub. That's why we need government accountability. Who needs more tomatoes when salami is so thin? Go, Ted!" 

In response to reporters' requests, Subway spokesman Jared Fogel issued the following statement: "I urge Senator Cruz to come to the table and discuss this over a turkey sub without mayo and cheese."


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