Friday, April 4, 2014


Responding to the latest fatal shooting at Ft. Hood, President Obama announced new action for handling military personnel in need of psychiatric care.

President Obama told reporters, "As has been noted, the gunman, Ivan Lopez, never saw combat during his four month in Iraq. Clearly, this was a man in need of shooting someone. Had he the chance to put his deranged behavior to good use, this tragedy never would have happened at Ft. Hood. Therefore, rather than spending money to give our troops the treatment they need, I am announcing an initiative to keep all soldiers in combat permanently. There's no point in bringing them home when they're only going to cause havoc here."

Noting that the U.S. was withdrawing from Iraq, President Obama said that troops would be sent to other hotspots throughout the world, suggesting, "Lebanon and Pakistan, for instance. East Africa, maybe Nigeria. And let's not forget Ukraine. Hell, there are at least a dozen countries ready to use the kind of government-sanctioned violence that the United States can provide better than anyone else. It's about time we leveled the playing field." 

In addition to the current troop surge, Mr. Obama announced a new initiative for civilians who have been unable to find work. "Those unfortunate people have been pushed to the point of returning to their previous places of employment and shooting up the place. Well, we're going to put that energy to good use by drafting them into combat as well. They want to go postal, let them do it somewhere else."

Responding to a reporter who reminded the president that the U.S. made a point of staying out of Syria and Libya, Mr. Obama bristled. "You ever hear the phrase 'fluid situation'? What I'm telling Americans now -- and I mean it this time -- if you like your endless wars, you can keep your endless wars."

Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) welcomed the president's remarks. "I'm glad that the president has finally taken my counsel seriously. After suffering years of torture by the North Vietnamese, I look forward to seeing other young men going through that same kind of hell in order to come out as bitter, angry, and near-psychotic as me. Nobody wants to be alone, right?"


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