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Washington reacted to the news that shares of Office Depot rose by 20% after announcing the closing of at least 400 of its stores over the next two years. The move came on the heels of Office Depot acquiring rival OfficeMax, which will close 19 of its Canadian stores.
"This is good news for the small investor," Rep. John Boehner (R-Ohio) told reporters. "The more stores Office Depot closes, the better the profit for everybody involved. Even those workers who lost their jobs will see an uptick in their portfolio -- that is, if they held shares in Office Depot. That's why it's important for workers to invest in the companies where they work. You never know when you're going to be kicked to the curb, so it's good to have a cushion to land on." When asked about OfficeMax's Canadian stores, Boehner shrugged. "They're socialists, let the government take care of 'em. What I care about is American businesses like Office Depot, and their growth potential. The more stores they close, the more they can open. It's not rocket science, you know."
Senate leader Harry Reid (D-Nevada), on the other hand, thought this was a good time for Congress to seriously discuss his latest revenue-growth plan. "It's become clear that more and more people are using computers and those laptop-things instead of pencils and paper, forcing these stores out of business. So I feel it's time for the NSA to wire every household in order to tax keystrokes. Bloggers and people who send emails and kids doing homework have gotten away with murder for years. Now it's time for them to pay up." When reporters noted that businesses like Apple and Microsoft haven't paid their fair share in corporate taxes thanks to Congressional-approved loopholes, Reid said, "They create jobs. Bloggers don't. End of story."
President Barack Obama was asked how the Office Depot closings skews with the administration's latest positive unemployment report -- which the Center for Economic and Policy Research states is entirely due to over 800,000 discouraged workers giving up looking for jobs. "Look, these numbers -- they're just a distraction." When asked what they were a distraction to, Mr. Obama replied, "To the fact that unemployment rose by only 73,000 households last quarter. Could be worse, right? I mean, did you look at last month's numbers from the Bureau of Labor? Eighty per-cent of America's households have at least one unemployed family member. That means only 20% -- just one-fifth -- of our country is unemployed. Just about sixty-three million people out of a country with a population of over 300-million. Doesn't seem so bad now, right? Now, Fox News can spin those numbers all they want, but those are the facts, pure and simple. Remember what I told you before, we hit singles and doubles, to hell with homeruns? Same thing with unemployment. Whoever heard of 100% of the workforce actually working?"