Wednesday, December 31, 2014


I think we can all agree that the concept of New Year's resolutions is taurus stercore. It's much easier to keep doing what you're doing than actually change. 

In fact, there was a piece online recently about how humans are hardwired not to keep resolutions. I would have read it, but I couldn't be bothered. Just the headline was enough to reassure me that I have a good excuse for being who I am. I just can't help it!

So rather than disappoint family and friends with promises I'll never keep, I'm going to make a list of things about me that will probably never change in 2015 (and beyond). 

I resolve to continue:

Flipping off politicians I don't like.

Embarassing my daughter in front of her friends.

Envying the rich while still despising them.

Finishing my own dinner before eating off the plates of those around me.

Breaking into a sweat every time I have to drive in Manhattan.

Cursing loudly when I can't find a parking space after ten minutes.

Being shocked at what I see in the mirror.

Polishing my schadenfreude to a shiny glow.

Being inexplicably proud of getting a flu shot.

Forgetting to ask my doctor if I should get a shingles vaccination like the commercials always tell me to do.

Laying off the bacon, cheese and red meats, only to return to eating them again after my cholesterol is normal.

Childishly mocking funny accents on Al Jazeera.

Expanding the number of my revenge fantasies.

Making John Boehner, Harry Reid and Jeff Zucker my favorite whipping boys.

Retreating to the world of B-movies as often as possible.

Figuring out how I got to be this way.

Looking forward to the new year where everything will finally turn around for me, only to be bitterly disappointed 12 months later.

Trying to be a better person, anyway, for the sake of my wife and daughter.

And when that doesn't work, trying again.

And again. 

And again.


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