FOR SONY MANAGEMENT: Writing paper, along with a lifetime supply of disappearing ink.
FOR SETH ROGEN & JAMES FRANCO: A script worthy of starting a nuclear attack on the USA.
FOR THE EDITORIAL STAFF OF ROLLING STONE: A copy of Journalism for Dummies.
FOR BILL COSBY: A plausible denial.
FOR FOX NEWS: A fashion and make-up stylist who wasn't influenced by Penthouse magazine.
FOR CNN: A solid gold mallet to beat yet another dramatic story into the ground.
FOR MSNBC: The wisdom to realize that not everybody who can sit up and chew solid food is qualified for their own talk show.
FOR HILLARY CLINTON: A reason to vote for you that doesn't include the words "Hillary," "Clinton" or "woman."
FOR THE REPUBLICAN PARTY: A presidential debate that doesn't look like the new season of American Horror Story.
FOR BARACK OBAMA: Your own smoking room in the White House, away from the ol' ball & chain. Or at least a jaunty cigarette holder. (It worked for FDR!)
FOR ISIS: Bomb vests with faulty timers that go off way too early. Bonus gift: rubber sabres.
FOR MY WIFE: The strength to remain married to me for another year.