PRESENTS UNDER THE TREE

We've all been so busy buying gifts for friends and loved ones that it's easy to forget there are people who mean nothing to us that could use a little Christmas cheer, too. So in the spirit of the season -- and, more importantly, taking the easy way out of writing a real piece by listing things instead -- here are some gift suggestions for people who have way too much already.

FOR SONY MANAGEMENT: Writing paper, along with a lifetime supply of disappearing ink.

FOR SETH ROGEN & JAMES FRANCO: A script worthy of starting a nuclear attack on the USA.

 
FOR THE EDITORIAL STAFF OF ROLLING STONE: A copy of Journalism for Dummies.

FOR BILL COSBY: A plausible denial.

FOR FOX NEWS: A fashion and make-up stylist who wasn't influenced by Penthouse magazine.

FOR CNN: A solid gold mallet to beat yet another dramatic story into the ground.

FOR MSNBC: The wisdom to realize that not everybody who can sit up and chew solid food is qualified for their own talk show.

FOR HILLARY CLINTON: A reason to vote for you that doesn't include the words "Hillary," "Clinton" or "woman."

FOR THE REPUBLICAN PARTY: A presidential debate that doesn't look like the new season of American Horror Story.

FOR BARACK OBAMA: Your own smoking room in the White House, away from the ol' ball & chain. Or at least a jaunty cigarette holder. (It worked for FDR!)

FOR ISIS: Bomb vests with faulty timers that go off way too early. Bonus gift: rubber sabres.

FOR MY WIFE: The strength to remain married to me for another year. 

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