Friday, December 19, 2014
MEMO FROM AMY PASCAL
TO: All Sony employees
FROM: Amy Pascal, Chairman, Sony Pictures
Dear Loyal Sony Team Member:
First, let me say that by withdrawing The Interview and stuffing it in the back of the closet like a half-empty bottle of Mr. Clean, the terrorists have NOT won. Far from it. Have you seen the early reviews on Rotten Tomatoes? We received a 47% rating. Granted, it's not as bad as our Annie remake, but still. This is a win for us, and I wanted to thank everyone of you for pitching in.
Going forward, we're going to have some new rules regarding email communication. I believe that by following these simple steps, we will save ourselves a lot of embarrassment in the future.
1) Do not make any comments more racist than they have to be. One Obama-black movie joke in a single email exchange is enough . Any more than that is beating a dead horse. (And just to make clear, that does mean I endorse or condone the mistreatment of animals.)
2) Calling Angelina Jolie "seriously out of her mind" is archaic and insulting. The correct phrase is "delightfully eccentric."
3) When urging the studio not to cast certain African American actors any lead roles, as one of our executives did with Denzel Washington, make sure you add "I AM NOT RACIST, EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD IS" in caps and 24-point font. Remember, with few exceptions, Hollywood doesn't know the meaning of racism.
As for those whose personal and medical records were made public, I am very sorry. I had no idea that by dumping our IT department and outsourcing security to some faceless phone jockeys in India, we were somehow leaving ourselves wide open to mischief. To rectify this, I have some important news.
Starting January 2, 2015, all Sony employees will be given new names for interoffice and medical communication. These names will be taken from the characters featured in classic Columbia Pictures movies: Longfellow Deeds, Jefferson Smith, Drs. Howard, Fine & Howard, etc. These name changes will apply to your family members as well, re: medical records. To further disguise your identity, your sex will play no part in the name you receive. Sony is an equal opportunity employer (except for salary).
Each one of you will be called into Human Resources at a specific time and date. There, you will be given your new identities, which you must memorize on the spot. You will not be allowed to copy down the names. This is for your own security.
Be assured that Sony Pictures will now concentrate on making our movies as free from real substance as possible. As we've learned, controversial subject matters do our business no good whatsoever. Therefore, I'm excited to announce a contest open to all Sony employees. We're looking for new comic book-type heroes to create tent-pole projects around -- movies made for the 12 year-old boy in all of us. So put on your thinking caps -- or should I say non-thinking caps, LOL! -- and create the next big, soulless thing! And if it's China-friendly, so much the better (hint, hint!).
Again, let me apologize for everything that's happened in the last few weeks. I know that by pulling together and continuing to cower before anyone who threatens us -- whether it be a bloodthirsty despot or anonymous hacker -- there is every reason to believe that we will keep our jobs.
PS: Pre-production on The Interview II: ISIS Here We Come! has been canceled indefinitely.