BREAKING NEWS: UNITY RALLY EDITION

President Barack Obama faced questions from reporters regarding his decision not to attend the French unity rally honoring the 17 citizens killed by Al-Qaeda-linked terrorists.

"First of all, our agent at Perillo Tours advised us that this really isn't the best time of year to visit France," Mr. Obama explained. "Pretty chilly, as you could see from all those pictures of the rally. But more to the point, it's my belief that changing your way of your life after such an event means that the terrorists have won. Heck, I don't even like to use the word 'terrorist.' If there are weeds in your yard, just keep repeating, 'I see flowers, I see flowers!' It really works!"

"That's why," he added, "I watched the playoff game -- nothing more American than that. And then there were the Golden Globes. Did you see that? Weren't Tina [Fey] and Amy [Poehler] amazing? Although, personally, I think Birdman was robbed. And you should have seen Michelle when she caught me eyeing Jennifer Lopez. Talk about terrorist activities!"

When asked if it still might have been a good idea if Vice-President Joe Biden had stood in for him in Paris, Mr. Obama replied, "Are you kidding? After his antics with that 13 year-old girl at the Senate swearing-in, I personally put him on the no-fly list."

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