FAITHLESS

Just days after a mass murder over cartoons, representatives of the world's major religions probably helped to convert a few million more people to atheism.

Randy Weber's wife restrains
him from using the computer.

In the USA, Randy Weber, a Republican Congressman and self-described "family man and Christian," pulled the ol' "outrageous statement/insincere apology" routine beloved by politicians and celebrities everywhere. (If his name sounds familiar, it's because he was the guy who shouted "You lie!" during Obama's 2009 State of the Union address.) Earlier this week, Weber, like many others, took to his Twitter account when President Obama skipped the unity rally in Paris:

Now that first line is pretty funny -- if you leave out the rest of the message, delete "Adolph," insert "was" between "it" and "more" -- and, oh yeah, IF YOU'RE NOT AN ELECTED OFFICIAL WITH ACCESS TO THE INTERNET. One of those Texas troglodytes who probably thought, Well, hey, I thought only people who voted for me could read my Twitter whoozis, the honorable Congressman was compelled to issue a press statement (rather than directly state it to the press):

“I need to first apologize to all those offended by my tweet. It was not my intention to trivialize the Holocaust nor to compare the President to Adolf Hitler." 

Let me see... comparing Obama to Hitler is not comparing Obama to Hitler. Thanks for clearing that up, Randy. Now maybe you can explain your classic tweet sent just before Obama's 2014 State of the Union address:

Man, that "joke" doesn't even reach the level of stupid-minus-seven. Weber, in case you were wondering, was elected by almost 54% of the vote, meaning over half the voters in his district are drooling, medically-diagnosed imbeciles. To the people of Texas' 14th Congressional District, I implore you: Stop having children, and stick to the livestock instead.

From the Southwest, let's turn to the Middle East. As with the rest of the world's newspapers, Israel's Orthodox The Announcer put a photo of the French unity rally on its front page. Well, kind of. Its editors, like others in the business, decided that the women needed some airbrushing. Like, from right out of the picture:

Didn't Highlights magazine have a feature like this?

I think the only thing that the Announcer is announcing here is that the hardcore wings of major religions are proudly homophobic, yet can't bear allowing women in positions of power -- or even mingling with them. Or, in this case, even photos of other, non-Orthodox Jewish men mingling with them. Look guys, next time you're in New York, you should get your cowboy freak on at the Flaming Saddles Saloon on 9th Avenue -- and don't forget your chaps! (Heh heh.)

But it was yesterday's London Guardian that forced me to check the calendar and make sure this wasn't the year 644:

A prominent Saudi Arabian cleric has whipped up controversy by issuing a religious edict forbidding the building of snowmen, describing them as anti-Islamic.

Asked on a religious website if it was permissible for fathers to build snowmen for their children after a snowstorm in the country’s north, Sheikh Mohammed Saleh al-Munajjid replied: “It is not permitted to make a statue out of snow, even by way of play and fun.”

The tragic result of a Frosty fatwa.

This "Dear Abdullah" advice columnist explained that since creating an image of a human being was sinful under Sunni Islam, kids would be better served creating a snow figure "which does not have a soul, including trees, ships, fruits, buildings and so on." And what child hasn't jumped and down at the thought of building a snow felafel? 

Wait, now that we're on the subject -- we've gotten something like one inch of snow in New York so far this winter. But they've gotten enough in Saudi Frickin' Arabia to consider building snowmen? Frankly, I'm offended.

Kids, you want to build a snow figure without a soul? Make it look like someone who says snowmen are blasphemous. And then build a snow-woman next to it. Don't worry -- sounds like those guys don't think women have souls, either. But it'll drive them nuts anyway.

And as for Randy Weber -- how long before you're riding the range at Flaming Saddles, you ol' conservative family man, you? Yee-haw!

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