Thursday, February 12, 2015

BREAKING NEWS: BOB SIMON EDITION

Bob Simon, the longtime "60 Minutes" correspondent and legendary CBS News foreign reporter died suddenly Wednesday night in a car accident in New York City. 

When asked for a comment, Brian Williams said, "I was in that car with Bob. I was afraid I was going to die."

UPDATE, 7:45AM: In a correction of his statement, Brian Williams said, "In an effort to honor and thank a fellow reporter, I made a mistake in recalling the events of 12 hours ago. I said I was traveling with Bob when it collided with a another car before slamming into the barriers separating the north- and southbound traffic. I was actually in a car behind Bob, and somehow conflated the two incidents. To Bob's family, I offer my sincerest apology."

SECOND UPDATE, 9:05AM: While investigating Brian Williams' apology, we've learned that his car was actually an hour behind Bob Simon's.

THIRD UPDATE, 10:00AM: Further investigation has shown that, at the time of Bob Simon's fatal accident, Williams was in fact still at home, eating a chocolate chip cookie over the kitchen sink while preparing a cup of Sanka.

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