A House panel approved a measure Wednesday that cuts funding for Amtrak, less than a day after a train derailment left at least seven people dead and many more injured.
While Democrats condemned the move as ill-timed at best, Republicans fought back. An unnamed source told The Ol' Fish-Eye, "Look, when was the last time something like this happened on that section of track? Nineteen forty-three! And 79 people were killed then, as opposed to, what, seven now? And even if it goes up, it's not getting anywhere near that, probably. So let's all take a deep breath before we jump to conclusions, OK?"
The source continued, "What people don't take into consideration, either, is that these things happen in roughly 75-year cycles. The Hurricane of '38, then Hurricane Sandy in 2012. Plane crashes into the Empire State Building in 1945, then 9/11 at the World Trade Center. A train crashes in the same area in '43, then 2015. You can't just throw money at fate, y'know?"
When asked if his point of view was rather cold, the source shook his head. "I'm sick of that rap we Republicans get, that we care only about old rich white guys. Look at who was killed in the Amtrak crash -- men and women of all colors and backgrounds. This was truly an equal opportunity event. That's what America's all about."