PLEDGE: NOW WITH NEW ACTIVE INGREDIENTS!

Certain things were drummed into my head in public school. There were 5,280 feet in a mile; the Civil War was fought over slavery; a possessive apostrophe went at the end of words ending with "s"; and the Pledge of Allegiance was to be recited every morning from kindergarten through high school.

Today, only the length of a mile is still set in stone. Revisionists now claim the Civil War was really all about taxes and states rights; journalists add an extra "s" following the apostrophe; and, if my daughter is any example, the Pledge of Allegiance ends at fourth grade.

Oddly, this fell out of favor when we went to war
with Germany.

The Pledge started to fall from favor in the last couple of decades, considered by many progressives to be a quasi-fascist, mandatory fealty to a government rather than an idea. When you see old photos of kids reciting the Pledge with the original straight-arm salute, you kind of see where they're coming from. (Fun fact: Francis Bellamy, the author of the Pledge, was a Christian socialist, thus being one of the few people both the left and the right can find disdainful.)

I hadn't though much about the Pledge since graduating from public school. But lately, it seems to be in every other headline I read these days:

Texas Man Arrested for Alleged Pledge of Allegiance to ISIS

Boko Haram purportedly pledges allegiance to ISIS

Sahara extremists pledge allegiance to ISIS

Spiritual Leader of Libya's Biggest Jihadi Group Pledges Allegiance to ISIS

Gaza Salafists pledge allegiance to ISIS

 
Sheesh! Is there anyone not pledging allegiance to ISIS? If this keeps up, even the phrase "Pledge of Allegiance" is going to go the way of "retarded," "mongoloid" and "thug" in polite conversation. 

"It was old, anyway."

As with all fraternities, ISIS welcomes new members only if they can pass its rigorous demands -- in this case, murdering and raping everyone who crosses their path, along with destroying priceless artifacts and, if they have time, entire cities, too. Where they differ is that college frats often wind up killing their own wannabe-members via alcohol poisoning. No threat of that happening with ISIS!

But I still keep wondering about this new Pledge of Allegiance. Do terrorists get up from their desks every morning, as we did, and place their hands over their hearts? If so, I imagine their sacred covenant goes something like this:

I pledge allegiance to the scary black flag
Of the united maniacs of ISIS
And to the psychosis for which it stands,
One caliphate, under Allah, impenitent,
With annihilation and chaos
For everybody else.

 

Alright, boys. Now how many corpses of infidels go into a mile?

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