BREAKING NEWS: 5/18/15

Two people were killed while attempting a wingsuit flight in Yosemite National Park, a park spokesman said Sunday.

Investigators are trying to figure out how anyone could die after jumping off a 7,500-foot high cliff.

Chris Roberts, a Colorado computer hacker, told the FBI that he briefly made an airliner fly sideways by hacking its computer system. Roberts claimed he pulled off the stunt by wiring a laptop computer into a jetliner’s entertainment system during a flight.

Asked by federal agents why he did it, Roberts replied, "It was easier than helping my wife parallel park."

A Nigerian restaurant has reportedly been shut down for cooking human flesh and serving it to customers. The police raided the hotel restaurant to discover human heads which were still dripping with blood in plastic bags.

The health department immediately dropped the restaurant's rating from A to B for improperly storing the heads without cleaning them first.

Islamic State militants claimed full control of the western Iraqi city of Ramadi on Sunday. Government forces evacuated a key military base after it came under attack by the insurgents.

Military analysts believe that one upside is that the Italian military will no longer be the go-to punchline for war jokes.

George Stephanopoulos continues to come under fire for not disclosing his $75,000 in donations to the Clinton Global Fund. Critics say that he can't be trusted to be a real newsman when discussing Hillary Clinton's presidential campaign.

Stephanopoulos defended himself by telling reporters, "Who the fuck ever thought Good Morning America was a real news show?"

                                 **********************************************