BREAKING NEWS 6/19/15 : CHARLESTON EDITION

President Barack Obama and Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner held a joint press conference following the mass shooting at a church in Charleston, South Carolina that left nine African-American parishioners dead at the hands of a white separatist with mental issues.

"As you know," President Obama said, "I've had to speak in the wake of over a dozen similar tragedies since I took office. And you know why? Because it's a lot easier than actually doing something about keeping guns out of the hands of crazy people. That would mean convincing Democrats and Republicans alike to to stop bending over and getting penetrated with money from the NRA and paranoid yahoos who can't sleep at night unless they have 25 assault rifles scattered around their house. 

"And you know how I always say that having discussions about race is difficult?" President Obama asked. "Bullshit! We all do it every time something like this happens. Me, Morning Joe, Bill O'Reilly, Rachel Maddow, every senator, mayor and dog catcher -- we love having these discussions because it's easier than actually doing anything about the state of race relations. Better to write 'Charleston Strong' on Twitter instead."

"I have to agree with my good friend Barack Obama," Rep. Boehner interjected. "I work with many representatives from the South, and the only race discussion they want to have is about who can get home first at the end of the workday. And as for guns -- there's as much chance of Congress passing meaningful legislation as there is putting the Confederate flag on the South Carolina capitol grounds at half-mast after this mass murder. I mean, save your breath, people. The news is on 24/7, and before you know it, you'll get distracted by the next shiny toy. Let's just do the usual 'Our thoughts and prayers go out to the good people of blah blah blah.' It sounds like we're saying something meaningful."

"My good friend John Boehner put it well," said President Obama. "So, in conclusion, let me say that our thoughts and prayers go out to the good people of Charleston. And by 'thoughts,' I mean thinking about how long we can keep passing the buck."

"And by 'prayers,' Rep. Boehner added, "I mean praying we stay strong enough to continue ignoring the obvious, and keeping the money flowing in."

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