BREAKING NEWS: 9/8/15

After being cleared of cheating in connection to the "Deflategate" scandal, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady thanked his fans for their support "throughout this challenging experience," adding, "I am sorry our league had to endure this... I am also sorry to anyone whose feelings I may have hurt as I tried to work to resolve this situation."

Brady was referring to his wife Gisele Bundchen visiting team practice without wearing makeup.

Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton admitted to MSNBC to being "bothered" by a recent poll where the first word voters thought of when hearing her name was "liar."

"Frankly," she said, "I was hoping nobody could tell."

A security guard at the Oakland branch of Whole Foods grabbed a shopper who was trying to pay for his groceries, before slamming him against concrete pillars, putting him in a chokehold, then restraining, suffocating, and throwing him on the pavement. 

Whole Foods spokesman Pete Smith told reporters, "Let that be a lesson: when you're in the blue lane, you stay in the blue lane!"

A woman has claimed that small pieces of rolled up paper are being sold as rice on the streets of China, according to local news sources. She says that while eating lunch with her family, she bit into a tightly rolled piece of paper that was disguised in a bowl of cooked rice. 

"The next thing you know," the woman grumbled, "they're going to be serving us chicken instead of cat!"

Dr. Walter Palmer, the Minnesota dentist reviled for shooting Cecil the Lion in Zimbabwe, now says he wouldn't have done so "if I had known this lion had a name."  

"From now on," he added, "I'm going to stick to clubbing baby seals. They don't have names."




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