Thursday, September 3, 2015


In the latest edition of Rich People's Problems, Cindy Crawford is complaining about a less-than-gorgeous photo of her that was leaked earlier in the year. As reported by the Daily Mail:

Take a number, Cin. Every time I look in the mirror, I think, Huh, I don't look so bad for a geezer. But then I look at any random photo of myself, and I am hideous. My eyelids droop to my shoulders. My lips are thinner than Kate Moss after a 30-day fast. And my chin resembles the pouch of your typical marsupial. 

My pictures, it's safe to say, don't reflect what I see when I look in the mirror -- even in the worst men's room mirror lighting in a Bob Evans Restaurant on I-95.

Oh my God! How awful!
The photo of Crawford in question was taken by John Russo, who complains that it was stolen, claiming that it was also retouched to make Crawford look... um, well, he doesn't say, actually. 

I mean, he could say it makes her look bad. But that wouldn't be correct, politically or otherwise. In fact, Cindy herself is a quandary:

She wouldn't have wanted it out there because it makes her look like a typical 49 year-old woman who's had two pregnancies. And unlimited time at the gym. And the money to afford to hire people to do her shopping, cooking, laundry, care for her kids, answer her mail, pay her bills, answer her phone, and read her contracts. Otherwise, typical.

That's more like it.
As if to make up for this tragedy, her husband Randy Gerber released what he presumably wanted us to think was a photo of the "real" Cindy Crawford poolside. I leave it to you to decide which of the two pictures is more likely to have been filtered, digitized, airbrushed and Photoshopped. (Hint: It's probably the one where she lacks a navel.)

Don't worry, Cin. Even in that allegedly bad photo, you still make 99% of the female population jealous enough to sit down and eat a pint of Haagen-Dazs Rocky Road, further diminishing any chance of them taking work from you.

But there's one other thing America's favorite model still hasn't figured out yet: "Why would seeing a bad picture of me make other people feel good?"    

Cin, if you haven't figured out the darker side of the human condition, you've been lying around that swimming pool way too long.

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