Mr. President, thank you for lending me the Rose Garden for a minute.
Translation: You and I know goddamn well it should have been for 8 years.
As my family and I have worked through the grieving process, I’ve said all along, what I’ve said time and again to others, that it may very well be that that process, by the time we get through it, closes the window on mounting a realistic campaign for president. Unfortunately, I believe we’re out of time — the time necessary to mount a winning campaign for the nomination.
Translation: It didn't help when a certain candidate sent me a voodoo doll, either.
This party, our nation, will be making a tragic mistake if we walk away or attempt to undo the Obama legacy.
Translation: You sure you want to nominate Hillary?
But it all starts with giving the middle class a fighting chance. I know you in the press love to call me “Middle Class Joe,” and I know in Washington that’s usually not meant as a compliment, it means you’re not that sophisticated.
Translation: Meanwhile, I'm standing next to the leader of the free world. Hillary's stuck with the number one passenger on the Lolita Express.
I believe the huge sums of unlimited and often secret money pouring into our politics is a fundamental threat to our democracy.
Translation: Wanna know why Wall Street crooks skate and your cable service gouges you? Check out you-know-who's donors sometime.
We need to commit—we’re fighting for 14 years—we need to commit to 16 years of free public education for all our children.
Translation: That crack about Trump's kids going to college free? Hilarious. Just hilarious.
We’ve learned some very hard lessons from more than a decade of large-scale open-ended military invasions.
Translation: You want more war? I got just the woman for you.
I don’t believe, like some do, that’s it naive to talk to Republicans. I don’t think we should look at Republicans as our enemies.
Translation: I'm sorry, was that a little too obvious?
If I could be anything, I would have wanted to be the president that ended cancer, because it’s possible.
Translation: But since I've been sidelined by my party in favor of a power-hungry harridan, it looks like you'll be stuck with another kind of cancer for 8 years.
Thank you for all being so gracious to Jill and me for the last six or eight months and for our whole career for that matter. But I’m telling you, we can do so much more. And I’m looking forward to continuing to work with this man to get it done.
Translation: I look forward to formally endorsing Hillary an hour before the polls close on November 8, 2016.