BREAKING NEWS: 11/13/15

Dallas Cowboys defensive end Greg Hardy tweeted 'regret' on Saturday night after photos of his bruised ex-girlfriend from his domestic violence case were released a day earlier.

"Next time," Hardy said, "I'll aim for internal bruising."

Cameron Schaeffer, a freshman at the University of Vermont, wrote an essay that demands the word "too" be banned as sexist.

Most of the people who read the essay believed that Ms. Schaeffer was too stupid for words.

Former Vice-President Bob Dole has formally endorsed Jeb Bush for President.

Bush said he was honored, adding, "Now that I have the backing of both Bob Dole and Eric Cantor, all I need now is Herman Cain on my team to complete the 'Endorsements-Nobody-Gives-A-Shit-About' trifecta."

Johnny Depp told the London Guardian that all of his movie characters are gay.

In response, GLADD spokesman Brad Lanes said, "What the hell kind of gay man dresses like that?" 

According to a report released on Thursday, 1 in 5 New Yorkers has mental health problems.

When New Yorkers were asked what they thought of the statistic, common answers were "I wanna kill somebody," "Which way the moon?" and uncontrollable shrieking followed by public urination.

                                         

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