BREAKING NEWS: 12/11/15

A young boy who was blessed by Pope Francis in Philadelphia in September has died.

The family has announced it will be suing the Pope for malpractice.

Amnesty International says that ISIS has built a substantial arsenal from U.S.-made weapons stolen from Iraq and Syria.

In response, President Obama told reporters, "Who says nobody wants to buy American products?"

Melissa Rivers says she was shocked at how much she resembled her late mother Joan when portraying her in the upcoming movie Joy, adding, "It was bizarre. I had to stop looking in the mirror."

She admitted that she had no choice, because it kept breaking.

Researchers at the Norwegian University of Science and Technology recently conducted experiments that proved men have a better sense of direction than women.

The researchers said it was especially true when it came to looking for bars, online porn, and the best places "to score with the ladies."

In other science news, Professor Fritz Vollrath from Oxford University's Department of Zoology says that Spiderman is actually incapable of superhuman powers.

"On the other hand," he said, "Superman is the greatest hero ever and I'm gonna make sure he comes down hard on anyone who says otherwise!"

The Puerto Rico unit of Wal-Mart Stores Inc. has sued the island’s government, seeking to overturn a new tax the retailer calls unfairly high.

Wal-Mart spokesman Walter Paisley said, "The government shouldn't be in the business of ripping-off people. That's our job."

Niall Rice of Brooklyn admitted to police that he gave $718,000 to a self-described psychic who claimed she could reincarnate his dead ex-girlfriend. The price included $80,000 to build a bridge for her soul to return into the body of a 31 year-old woman.

"I could have saved myself $80,000," Rice said, "if I had remembered somebody already sold me the Brooklyn Bridge."

South Carolina resident Darene Springs Weston, who was on out on bond on a DUI charge, told county clerks that she had died.

Weston added that she couldn't be arrested, however, since a psychic reincarnated her in the body of a 31 year-old woman, "and I've got a guy in Brooklyn waiting for me!"

Hashem Said, a producer at Al-Jazeera, complained that it was "disrespectful" of ABC News to show photos of San Bernardino terrorist Tashfeen Malik without her burka.

In a poll taken in San Bernardino the following day, 100% of the participants agreed that it was not disrespectful to call Hasheem Said "an unmitigated asshole."

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