BREAKING NEWS: 12/17/15

Six young people were arrested for kidnapping two athletes from the University of Rochester and terrorizing them for 40 hours.

University officials, however, praised the gang for being racially and sexually inclusive.



Sharia judges have approved of ISIS soldiers killing children with Down Syndrome and other disabilities or deformities. 

In response, Secretary of State John Kerry told reporters, "I urge American parents to do the same in order not to further offend Arab sensibilities."


In other news from the Middle East, Saudi Arabia has formed an alliance of 34 Muslim nations in order to fight terrorism.

Their first move will be to let the U.S. handle it.

A recent study shows that 37% of women have "sleep orgasms," in which they climax while dreaming.

However, 99% of married women admitted they could only dream of being sexually satisfied by their husbands.






A young first-time mother suffering from postpartum psychosis told columnist Laura Barcella that she was convinced her son was the Messiah.

A psychiatrist treating her diagnosed it as Every Mother's Syndrome.

IKEA has fallen victim to a hoax, forcing them to deny that they are selling a swastika-shaped table called Hadølf.

"We are horrified that anyone would think we would sell such a product," said IKEA spokesman Elmer Brendel. "Look at it! It's far too well-made."

Researchers in Australia have found that doctors who listen to the Star Wars soundtrack are more likely to detect bowel cancer.

They believe that it's due to the shitty quality of the previous three sequels.

Bill Cosby has filed a countersuit in a Massachusetts federal court against seven of the over 50 women who have accused him of sexual assault, claiming that their rape accusations have damaged his reputation.

Asked why he didn't sue the others, Cosby explained, "They have better proof."

Millionaire property developer Ehsan Abdulaziz has been cleared by a court in Saudi Arabia of raping a teenager after claiming he might have accidentally penetrated her when he tripped and fell.

Bill Cosby immediately requested a change of venue for his countersuit.

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