YOU WILL MEET A SHORT, PALE STRANGER

What with all the anger regarding gay marriage, you'd think that a straight couple happily married for 23 years would be cause for celebration in some circles. Yet no man in my memory has ever caused so much consternation for being a faithful husband than Woody Allen.

Have you ever seen a happier bunch?

You know the story. Man dates woman with more adopted children than toes on her feet. Man falls in love with her 20 year-old daughter. Man takes naked pictures of daughter. Hilarity ensues.

In defending his actions, Woody made the now-legendary statement, "The heart wants what it wants." So does my stomach, but that doesn't mean I eat an entire Thanksgiving turkey with all the trimmings.

Still, Woody wasn't married to Mia Farrow, nor were they were even living together. And in 1992, Mia's adopted daughter, Soon-Yi Previn, told Time magazine that she never considered Woody to be her father, stepfather or father-figure:

"To think that Woody was in any way a father or stepfather to me is laughable. My parents are Andre Previn and Mia, but obviously they're not even my real parents. I came to America when I was seven. I was never remotely close to Woody. He was someone who was devoted exclusively to his own children and to his work, and we never spent a moment together."

This is actually a mature take on the matter. She doesn't sound like a kid who was brainwashed by a wisecracking Svengali. In fact, this should have been the end of it.

Woody, however, apparently didn't get the memo, as a recent interview with NPR proved. As usual, the subject of the 35-year difference between Woody and the little lady was brought up. It's the age-old question: What's the secret to a happy marriage? Let Woody tell it:

“She enjoyed being introduced to many, many things that I knew from experience, and I enjoyed showing her those things. I'm 35 years older, and somehow, through no fault of mine or hers, the dynamic worked. I was paternal.  She responded to someone paternal." 

But does she accept insurance?

This sounds similar to the relationship I have with my daughter. You know, old movies, absurd humor, a cynical take on life. The difference is, I'm 40 years older and, oh yeah, I'm her father.

Now, I'm long past the "eww" stage of their marriage. But it wouldn't be such a terrible thing, next time Woody's interviewed, to bring up those two diametrically opposite quotes and ask, "Sooo... which is it?"

I've seen Woody and Soon-Yi around the city exactly twice.  Had I not known who they were, I would have guessed that she was the caregiver for a frail elderly man. Whether this is better than husband and wife or father-figure and starry-eyed woman, I leave to you.

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FILE UNDER: NO KIDDING

Headline from CBS Atlanta, 7/29/15:

Study: Bullies Have Higher Self-Esteem, Lower Depression Rates

BREAKING NEWS: 7/28/15

Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee is not backing away from his strident criticism of President Barack Obama and the Iranian nuclear deal. Over the weekend, Huckabee said that by trusting Iran to abide by the deal, President Obama "will take the Israelis and march them to the door of the oven.”

In related news, a poll taken in states south of the Mason-Dixon line showed an overwhelming rise in popularity for the president and the deal.

The hacker who shut down the New York magazine website just hours after they revealed their cover with 35 of Bill Cosby's alleged victims claimed he did so because he hated the city on a recent visit.

The anonymous hacker's complaint about New York was that he "couldn't find any Jell-O Pudding or drugstores that would fill my prescription for sleeping pills."

A message about safety is now being played at the AMC Theatres. It states, "If you happen to see any suspiciously strange characters or bad agendas, report them to our crew."

Movie fans were quick to agree that the worst agenda they've seen was Netflix signing a 4-picture deal with Adam Sandler.

An apparent Islamic State recruitment document found in Pakistan’s lawless tribal lands reveals that the extremist group has grand ambitions of triggering a war to provoke an Armageddon-like “end of the world.”

In response, Sen. Rick Santorum said, "It's nice to finally see eye-to-eye with these people."

A condition known as mirror touch synesthesia has been diagnosed in neurologist Dr. Joel Salinas, allowing him to feel his patient's pain.

Oddly, this condition disappears when it comes to time to give them the bill.

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BREAKING NEWS 7/24/15: MOVIE THEATER KILLINGS EDITION

Police in Lafayette, Louisiana say that John Russell Houser committed suicide after killing two people and injuring nine others at a movie theater last night.

In response, Governor Bobby Jindal told reporters, "We are deeply saddened by this senseless act of violence. In order to prevent this from happening again, I'm urging state legislators to allow movie theaters to sell guns at their concession stands. I believe that when innocent moviegoers have the option to purchase firearms along with their Milk Duds, Jujubes or Raisinettes, they'll feel safer knowing that they'll be able to fire back at the next shooter. The more people firing back, the better."

When asked if it might be smarter to tighten restrictions on gun purchases rather than making it easier for an unstable person to shoot up a theater, Gov. Jindal replied, "This is not the time to play politics with this tragedy. Let's all pray for the survivors and their families, then start preparing for the next massacre."

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BURNT BERGER

Some people just don't get it -- you know? I mean, they haven't got the sense God gave geese. Even when they believe they're doing something good for others. 

Consider ex-cop Bobby Berger of Baltimore, Maryland. If "cop" and "Baltimore" ring any bells, it might be because of the death of Freddie Gray allegedly at the hands of six policemen, an event that led to rioting, burning, and, in general, the kind of mayhem that makes for swell television on a spring afternoon. Just ask Jeff Zucker, who saw CNN's ratings skyrocket during that week. All that was missing was, well, a missing airliner to make the show complete.

Diversity!

But back to Bobby Berger. Berger wanted to raise funds to help the six cops' families, and thought that the best way was to put on a little concert. He's a singer, you see. And not just any singer. Berger, like many of us, enjoys the classic pop standards of the first half of the 20th century. 

This wasn't going to be just another trip down nostalgia lane, though. Berger was going to do a tribute to the man once hailed as "The World's Greatest Entertainer" but whose reputation now hovers between forgotten and disdained: Al Jolson.

Specifically, Bobby Berger wanted to raise funds for six cops accused of murdering an innocent black man... by putting on a show in blackface. 

Even my spellcheck can't believe I wrote that. There's no such word in 2015!

If you're wondering what the three black cops charged in the Freddie Gray case think of Berger's generosity, perhaps they accepted it in the spirit in which it was intended. The Baltimore Sun reports: 

Berger said there is not "one iota of racial overtones" in his blackface performance and that thousands of African-Americans have seen his performances and enjoyed them. 

Bobby Berger out of uniform.

While I cannot know for sure that the latter part of his statement is true -- even if it scores high on the "unlikely" scale -- one glance at the video still of Berger on the left proves that he is right about there not being "one iota of racial overtones." I would venture to guess that there are about 50,000 iotas.

This isn't Berger's first run-in with the taste squad. He was fired from the police force in 1981 for his blackface routines, only to win back his job with the help of the ACLU. He also received $108,000 for, among other things, "humiliation." He should have been humiliated just by going onstage like that. 

Believe it or not, that wasn't the end of his police career: 

After he rejoined the force in 1986, Berger said, he was given a desk but was denied a gun and a badge and given nothing to do. He sued again in 1989, and settled with the department for $200,000 more.

Who says show business doesn't pay?

Berger would probably consider Jolson without 
make-up to be reverse-racism.

Jolson, it's said, wore blackface during the early part of his career because he was nervous about going onstage as himself. I have no idea what Bobby Berger's excuse is, but I bet he has not one iota of being nervous. He isn't smart enough. (Jolson himself stopped wearing blackface in Broadway shows around 1925.)

Now there's nothing wrong with being an Al Jolson fan. We had his records around the house when I was growing up, and I continue to enjoy his in-your-face style. Entertainers as diverse as Bing Crosby, Jerry Lee Lewis, Gene Simmons (of KISS), Dee Snider (of Twisted Sister), and David Lee Roth freely admit to have been influenced by Al Jolson. 

But they didn't wear blackface! Especially to raise money for cops who allegedly killed a black guy in a city with black mayor. For a guy who's supposed to be a singer, Bobby Berger is awfully tone-deaf.

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SERIAL CANDIDATES

Trained professionals are lucky to correctly predict the weather two days in a row. But here come criminologists who claim you can spot a serial killer a mile away. All you have to look for, they say, are  these characteristics:

1. They're power junkies.
2. They're manipulative.
3. They're egotistical braggers.
4. They're superficial charmers.
5. They pass themselves off as just like you and me.

So the next time any of the current crop of presidential candidates come to your town -- run for your lives!

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BREAKING NEWS 7/14/15 : IRAN DEAL EDITION

President Barack Obama announced this morning that an historic nuclear arms deal with Iran had been reached. Republican presidential candidates wasted little time in commenting on the agreement.

Lindsay Graham said, "I condemn this so-called deal completely out of hand even without reading it. That's how much I hate it." Jeb Bush tweeted, "I have no idea what's in it, but it stinks like my barn when the help takes the day off. #bad deal." Rick Perry told reporters, "I haven't read word one of this thing, but you know what? I don't have to because I don't like it already."

George Pataki's press release explained, "As a three-term Governor, I know a bad deal without even knowing what it is." Scott Walker told Matt Lauer, "Don't tell me about it. It's useless." Ted Cruz's official website featured an image of a torn piece of paper marked DEAL, underneath which read, "Don't waste your time reading it. I sure won't." Chris Christie said, "The only deal I'm interested in is the Thursday special at Bob's Big Boy."

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JUST B COS

You gotta hand it to Bill Cosby. America's favorite funnyman really lucked out when he married Camille Olivia Hanks in 1964. Camille, you see, is the living definition of an understanding wife. For over a half century, she's been good with her husband being on the road for long stretches, playing nightclubs, appearing on TV, and having unlimited, drug-fueled sex with other women:

Last week’s revelation that Cosby admitted during a deposition that he intended to ply women with Quaaludes before bedding them barely fazed Camille Cosby, the ­insiders told The Post.

“Camille still doesn’t believe that Bill provided drugs and had sex with women without their consent,” said a source employed by the Cosby family. “She’s well aware of his cheating, but she doesn’t believe that her husband is a rapist.”

When not handling her husband's fortune,
Camille doubles as a Star Trek alien.

This is the kind of "I don't believe it" response that tobacco executives give to Congress when asked if smoking causes cancer. It's not like saying, "It isn't true," which would be considered by most people to be perjury. Rather, it's another version of, "I'm not derailing this gravy train." 

Camille Cosby, you see, is her husband's business manager. And she's not about to let her share of his $400-million net worth go the way of the Confederate flag. 

Early on, Cosby
realized drugs would
be less obvious.

Cosby's deposition was given in 2005 for an incident that happened a year earlier. The former Jell-O Pudding shill fought to keep it under wraps because, according to his mouthpiece, its revelations would prove to be "embarrassing." 

Cos must have a far different threshold of pride than me, because if word got out that I was a sociopath who drugged and raped women, I'd feel closer to suicidal. We must remember, though, that Cosby's point of view was probably created when he was a regular guest at the Playboy Mansion in the '70s -- a time when Hugh Hefner admitted referring to Quaaludes as "thigh-openers." To quote Fat Albert, "Hey, hey, hey!"

As with her husband, Camille has defenders: 

Rev. Carl Dianda, the couple’s longtime spiritual adviser who presided over their marriage 51 years ago, told The Post his “heart breaks” for her.

“She made so many sacrifices for him to have a career.”

There's no mention if the good reverend's heart breaks for the dozens -- hundreds? thousands? -- of women whom Cosby drugged and raped during two different centuries. Nor does he explain just exactly what "sacrifices" Mrs. Cosby made. Pride? Self-respect? Small change compared to the almost half-a-billion smackers they're sitting on, amirite? 

But it's not like she doesn't have feelings:

[Camille] said every so often the couple goes through an “evaluation period” to determine whether the marriage should continue. “She even once talked to Oprah Winfrey about cleansing herself of baggage every now and again and how it always seems to lead her back to staying with Bill."

Or as Deep Throat advised Woodward and Bernstein, "Follow the money."

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HEADLINE OF THE DAY: 7/1/15

Some headlines need no accompanying story, commentary or jokes. Just a handful of words can say it all. So I present today's honest-to-gosh, 100% for-real internet headline of the day:

Kim Kardashian Angers Fans by Speaking at Educational Organization

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