"We realize the mistake that we made," admitted spokesman Brad Lanes, "and want to put this behind us. So instead, we're going to have a 'Wacky Air Show' on September 11."
As news of the trial became known, a common response was, "Whoa, that sounds like some pretty good shit!"
Wal-Mart is closing 269 stores, more than half of them in the U.S. The decision will impact a total of 16,000 employees.
"But the good news," said spokesman Bert Wheeler, "is that they'll be making more on unemployment than they did working for us!"
While being escorted into Alaska's Fairbanks Correctional Center, Chelsea Sperry underwent a body scan for any smuggled contraband. Her vagina contained six $100 bills, three $50 bills, and seven $20 bills (all of which were counterfeit), two baggies of methamphetamine, a baggie containing seven morphine sulfate pills, and two baggies of heroin, as well as a large baggie containing 40 smaller baggies that were similar in size to the ones containing the meth and heroin. There was a also $10 bill in her anus.
When confronted with the contraband, Ms. Sperry said, "I wondered what happened to that $10!"
Researchers from the Institut Marquès in Spain have developed the Babypod, which they claim stimulates neurons in a fetus's brain stem by playing music when the mother places it in her vagina.
A guard at the Fairbanks Correctional Center said, "Oh yeah, we found that, too."