BREAKING NEWS: 1/17/16

Researchers have successfully revived microscopic creatures known as waterbears that had been kept frozen for 30 years.

The researchers are currently working on Hillary Clinton's personality.



A new study from the Rotman Research Institute s states that people with good memories are more susceptible to dementia in their later years. 

"The good news," said spokesman Brad Lanes, "is that you won't remember how good your memory used to be."



In related news, Scientists at the Dept. of Agriculture and the Monnell Chemical Senses Center say that an odor in urine can signal whether is a person is likely to develop dementia.

"You won't be able to do anything about it," admitted Dr. Rupert Bulfinch, "but, hey, who wants to remember smelling their own piss?"

Boston marathon bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev has been told he will not be granted a new trial over his 2013 attack after his lawyer attempted to argue that his original jury was biased.

Tsarnaev's lawyer said, "How were we supposed to find a fair jury when terrorists weren't allowed in the jury pool?"


Lithuanian artist Julijonas Urbonas has designed a model for a "death rollercoaster" with extreme g-force for people with terminal illnesses. Urbonas explains, "Your blood is rushed to your lower extremities so there is a lack of blood in your brain, so your brain starts to suffocate. When your brain starts to suffocate, people become euphoric." 

Members of the RNC are trying to figure out how to provide the Jeb Bush campaign with the first ticket.


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