"We knew they were phony," said Customs spokesman Brad Lanes, "because they didn't explode."
"We already had the wacko authoritarian bloc wrapped up," said Trump spokesman Bert Wheeler. "Now we've got the dimwit idiot vote, too! This is America, how can we lose now?"
ISIS has reportedly murdered a four-year-old boy a week after executing his father, who they accused of killing two of its fighters. The bomb, which was triggered by a remote controlled device, was attached to the boy in a way "that his organs would be blown apart."
Planned Parenthood immediately issued a press release condemning the report, stating that the incident "was in fact a really late-term abortion."
In response to this year's all-white Academy Award nominees, Rev. Al Sharpton is organizing a boycott of the ceremonies on February 28.
"We will not rest," said Sharpton, "until the children of the black community know that they, too, have a shot at winning the approval of strangers who would probably mistake them for the wait staff anyway, by getting an invitation to a boring, four-hour back-slapping event on the chance of winning a gold-plated statuette that means absolutely nothing to anyone outside that room."
The snowstorm expected for the Mid-Atlantic and Northeast for the upcoming weekend is being described as "historic."
By "historic," meteorologists explain it's going to be their 100th incorrect snowstorm prediction of the decade.