BREAKING NEWS: 1/26/16

Former New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg is allegedly considering entering the 2016 presidential race as a third-party candidate.

Asked why he might be taking the plunge, Bloomberg told a reporter, "I think the voters  have the right to have more than one plutocrat to choose from. Now bring me some caviar, boy."

Sen. Jeanne Shaheen (D-N.H.) told MSNBC that Hillary Clinton’s paid speeches to Wall Street firms such as Goldman Sachs are "in the past" and not worth delving into.

Bill Cosby and Bill Clinton released a joint press statement saying, "We approve of Sen. Shaheen's way of thinking."

After a complaint from a parent regarding its illustrations, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs was banned from a school library in Qatar.

Library spokesman Ana Aihmaq explained, "Now, if they had a scene with Snow White being raped and murdered by the dwarfs, that would have been different."

Paramount Pictures is facing legal action after a group of production assistants claimed they were not allowed to leave their posts to get food or use restrooms, forcing them to use their cars as toilets.

A spokesman for Paramount responded by saying, "So what? We used theatres as toilets when we released Transformers."

The New England Patriots lost their chance of playing in the Super Bowl when they were defeated by the Denver Broncos 20-18 in the AFC championship game.

Quarterback Tom Brady apologized to Patriots fans, and promised to cheat better next year.



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