BREAKING NEWS: 1/28/16

According to a recent study by the Heart Association, women are hit harder by heart attacks than men, with “vague symptoms” including jaw and back pain, nausea and a sense of dread.

Researchers admitted this could be confusing, since these are the same symptoms women feel regarding sex with their husbands.

Mattel has announced that it will start manufacturing its classic Barbie doll in more realistic body types, including "curvy."

A survey of men, however, found that they overwhelmingly believed it would give little girls an easy excuse not to feel self-conscious enough to skip dessert for the sake of pleasing future boyfriends. 

Bowing to protests, the upstate New York town of Whitesboro has confirmed that it will change its official seal, which appears to show a white man throttling an Indian.

The Whitesboro town council has decided that the new seal will instead show the Indian's village being burned to the ground.

During his official visit to Italy, Iranian President Hassan Rouhani was given a tour of the Colosseum. 

President Rouhani told his hosts that he admired the legendary structure, and looks forward to ISIS destroying it sooner rather than later.

In related news, the managers of Rome's Capitoline Museum covered up nude statues during Rouhani's visit in order not to offend him.

Rouhani, however, said it was unnecessary to go to all that trouble, adding that he would have been happy just to watch video footage of bound-and-gagged gay men being thrown off the tops of buildings.

                                                  ****************************