BREAKING NEWS: 2/23/16

Historians Jonathan Mayo and Emma Craigie have discovered medical records proving Adolf Hitler had a "tiny deformed penis" with just one testicle.


Donald Trump welcomed the news, boasting, "That shows I'm not like Hitler as my critics claim, because I'm the biggest dick in this race!"

The White House's Council of Economic Advisers is warning there is an 83% chance that robots will eventually take over low-wage positions.

The exception to the "low-pay rule" would be if Marco Rubio is elected president.

Celebrity endorsements for the current crop of presidential candidates has grown, with Dick Van Dyke supporting Bernie Sanders.

Speaking at a Sanders rally, Van Dyke explained, "It's time for a younger generation in the White House." 

Mohammad Guddu, a construction worker, has survived despite being impaled by a seven-foot rod that skewered his skull.

Presidential candidate Ted Cruz told reporters, "This outcome proves once and for all that the federal Occupational Safety board is unnecessary."

Svetlana Travis, the hooker choked by disgraced Gov. Eliot Spitzer at the Plaza Hotel last week, was evicted last year from an apartment because it was being used as a brothel.

Asked for a comment, Spitzer said, "Hey, where else am I gonna meet women?"

Human-resources software company Zenefits had to send an email to its employees requesting they stop drinking on the job and engaging in sex in the office stairwells.

"Who do you think you are," the email demanded, "Eliot Spitzer?"

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