BREAKING NEWS: 2/26/16

A man was slashed with a sharp object in a midtown New York subway today, making him the 533rd slashing or stabbing victim in the city so far this year.

Mayor Bill de Blasio has urged New Yorkers not to worry, advising them, "Just stay home until this whole thing blows over. You'd be nuts to go outside now."

Pedro Urresta claims he was denied service at a Krystal fast-food restaurant in Irondale, Alabama, because he was in his policeman’s uniform.

Krystal manager Thomas Dixon, Jr. said, "It's a dirty lie. We refused service to him because he was a spic."

An airliner in China was forced to return to the airport when a rat was discovered onboard.

A spokesman for the airline explained that it had accidentally escaped from the "meat" section of the dinner choices.

Paul Lee, the president of the ABC Entertainment Group, is departing amid low ratings, and has been replaced by Channing Dungey, the first African-American woman to head a broadcast TV network.

ABC spokesman Brad Lanes told reporters, "I'm confident that this will prove once and for all that women are just as adept at programming shitty TV series as men."

During an interview with Yahoo News, Bernie Sanders' wife Jane insisted that, despite his age, her husband is "very athletic."

Ms. Sanders explained, "For instance, he has absolutely no problem running to the bathroom five times in the middle of the night."

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