BREAKING NEWS: 3/1/16

Yoko Ono is now resting at home after having been rushed to Mt. Sinai Hospital over the weekend with the flu.

Shortly after Yoko checked into the hospital, the chief medical team broke up.

Abdi Mohamed, 17, is in a coma after being shot by police in Salt Lake City. Mohamed had been arguing with another person at the time, and refused to obey orders to drop the broomstick he was holding.

Police spokesman Brad Lanes told reporters, "You have to understand it from the officer's point of view. He was concerned that Mohamed was a witch."

A heckler interrupted Joe Biden during a speech to shout that the Vice-President's son’s death from brain cancer was caused by radiation from cell phones.

Mr. Trump was immediately escorted from the room.

Doctors are now diagnosing their patients with "sexsomnia," a condition where they have no recollection of engaging in sexual acts while asleep.

Women, however, refer to this condition as "being married to the same guy for half my life."


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