As Chick-fil-A spokesman Brad Lanes explained, "You know a better way of throwing up?"
John William Holland, a weatherman for KMVT-TV in Idaho, was arrested for felony rape after a woman claimed he placed his hand on her throat during a violent sex attack in his home.
Holland's future is stormy with a 90% chance of being called "Sally" by his future cellmate.
Tata Motors of India has been forced to change the name of its Zica auto in order for it not to be confused with the Zika virus.
The car will now be called Zmallpox.
The Washington, DC city council has unanimously approved a bill that includes a proposal to pay 200 known lawbreakers up to $9,000 a year not to commit any crimes.
Upon hearing the news, an anonymous Congressman told a reporter, "Shit, we get paid 20 times that to do whatever the hell we want!"
An 84-year-old widow in Minnesota has been sent a letter by the church she has attended for the last 50 years, saying she cannot be buried in the plot next to her husband because of how irregularly she goes to services.
The letter added, however, that the church would reconsider if she dropped off a dozen or so little boys at the back door after midnight.
Unsurprisingly, the spies discovered they were all full of shit.
Clifford Ray Jones of Detroit was killed when he was ejected through the sunroof of his car while driving along the highway with his pants down and masturbating to porn being shown on his cellphone.
Jones' family is suing the city for not making it clear that it was against the law.
"In fact," he added, "that was how I delivered the mail before the Pony Express."
In related news, at a press conference Hillary Clinton said she was more attuned to the problems of the middle class than Bernie Sanders.
Afterwards, she charged the reporters $250,000 for her comments.