In order to stop the rising number of crimes on New York subways, Police Commissioner Bill Bratton has ordered cops to wake up sleeping passengers.
"And the next step," Bratton told reporters, "is preventing people from going on the subway in the first place. I don't know why we didn't think of this before!"
Sumner Redstone, 92, has resigned as chairman of CBS.
Redstone said he wanted to spend more time with middle-aged floozies who are content to wipe spittle off his food-stained necktie in order to eventually contest his will.
ISIS has released photos of a disabled terrorist in a wheelchair who crucified an alleged spy.
In response, Secretary of State John Kerry said, "While there is more work to be done in that region, we applaud ISIS for their sense of inclusiveness."
A website quoted former NSA official John C. Inglis saying that the number one threat to America's electrical grid is squirrels.
Donald Trump has promised to send all the squirrels back to Mexico where they came from.
Three men in India have been sentenced to death for raping a 20 year-old woman and murdering her before throwing her body down a well.
The men protested the sentence, asking, "Wait, you mean that isn't legal in India?"
In other Indian news, a disabled woman claims she was forced to crawl off a plane and onto the tarmac at a New Delhi airport when nobody provided a wheelchair for her.
A spokesman for the airline said, "Hey, it could've been worse. I mean, she could've been raped, murdered and thrown down a well."
Marc Nicholls of Australia says he was left disgusted and feeling sick after biting into what he thought was a premium chicken breast from KFC, only to find he'd nearly swallowed a large intact lung.
KFC took action by banning cell phone cameras from their restaurants.
A class-action lawsuit has been filed in California against McDonald's claiming that the chain's mozzarella sticks don't contain cheese.
A McDonald's spokesman promised to make it up to the customers by serving them mozzarella sticks filled with chicken lungs.