BREAKING NEWS: 2/9/16

Hamas says it has killed one of its own commanders over unnamed “moral and behavioral violations.”

While the details are unconfirmed, Hamas leader Aljins Alameiz was overheard complaining, "If I told him once, I told him a thousand times -- virgin goats only!"

Researchers at the University of Aberdeen have concluded that the female brain isn't wired for weight loss.

The study was financed by Godiva Chocolates. 

The partner of a rookie NYPD officer on trial for killing an unarmed man in Brooklyn told jurors  that he didn't make any attempts to revive the victim because the police academy had helped him cheat on his CPR certification test.

As the cop explained, "Look, If I wanted to save lives, I'd've gone to med school, alright?""


An animal shelter in Bristow, Oklahoma has come under intense criticism for euthanizing dogs by shooting them.

The shelter apologized, and promised instead to drown them head first in the toilet.



At a  rally for Hillary Clinton in Manchester, NH, former Secretary of State Madeline Albright rebuked young women who were supporting Bernie Sanders, warning them, "There's a special place in hell for women who don't support each other!"

Albright added, "By the way, this doesn't go for women named Lewinsky or Fiorina. Then you can defame the shit out of them!"

In related news, Gloria Steinem said she was misunderstood when she told Bill Maher that young women prefer Bernie Sanders to Hillary Clinton because "that's where the boys are."

"What I meant to say," Steinem explained, "was that young women have no idea what they're doing, and instead should listen to out-of-touch geriatric women who think it's still 1967. Is that clear?"


Scientists have been asked to verify claims that a man died after being hit by a meteorite in southern India.

If verified, it would be the first case of someone being killed by a fallen star since Nicole Brown Simpson.



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