Thursday, April 14, 2016


Mother Jones revealed that, as Texas’ solicitor general in 2007, Ted Cruz wrote a 76-page briefing against dildos.

The reason he wanted to ban them, Cruz admitted, was that he was "sick and tired" of everybody using the word to describe him. He added that, if elected president, he will also ban douchebags, scumbags, and asswipes.

Rumors are swirling that Lindsay Lohan, 29, is engaged to her Russian billionaire boyfriend, Egor Tarabasov, 22.

When asked what it was that attracted him to her, Tarabasov said, "Lindsay reminds me of my mother. I mean, if my mother looked like she stumbled out of the drunk tank after a decade-long bender."

Nearly 30,000 people attended a Bernie Sanders rally in lower Manhattan's Washington Square Park last night.

Hillary Clinton tweeted, "I'm calling on my opponent to condemn those 30,000 freeloaders for causing a traffic jam and preventing hardworking Wall Street investors from arriving back at their homes in Connecticut at a reasonable hour."

Canadian Rocker Bryan Adams cancelled a concert in Mississippi due to the state's new anti-LQBT laws.

However, he thanked the lawmakers for getting his name in the papers for the first time in 30 years.

ISIS has published a hit list of Western Muslims, including Minnesota Rep. Keith Ellison, Hillary Clinton aide Huma Abedin, members of the British Parliament, and three American imams.

In response, Tea Party spokesman John Sivoney said, "This proves our message is catching on everywhere."


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