BREAKING NEWS: 4/8/16

The German tourist town of Tegernsee has finally stripped Adolf Hitler of honorary citizenship after 83 years. 

In response, the mayor of Montgomery, Alabama said, "Great, now we can give it to him!"

Suspected terrorist Abderamane Ameroud, 38, was shot in the leg by Brussels police as he was carrying a backpack filled with rotting animal testicles and feces.

In his defense, Ameroud told police he was planning on opening a McDonald's.

Qalandar Baksh Khokhar, a newly-married Pakistani man, strangled his teenage bride to death on their wedding night after he found out that she was not a virgin.

His late wife will be charged for marrying under false pretenses.

In Columbus, Ohio, the hands of anti-government activist Alphonso Mobley were blown off after a bomb he was allegedly making to use as a diversion during a bank heist exploded in his home.

The ACLU will sue the bank for giving Mobley the idea in the first place.

Karate master Pradip Timilisina, from Biratnagar, Nepal, has set a record for kicking himself in the back of the head more than 60 times in a minute.

Asked why it was his goal, Timilisina said, "I just wanted to know how to think like Ted Cruz."

While Hillary Clinton was speaking at an outdoor fundraiser in Colorado, her team turned on a white noise machine to prevent reporters from hearing her.

Following the speech, reporters asked them to do that every time.

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