SEXTOWN USA

What do South Dakota, Washington, New Hampshire, Kentucky and Alaska have in common? If you immediately answered "states that like step-mom porn," you have a lot to explain to your spouse.

Or... you can tell her that you consulted a map outlining the most popular porn-related search terms on the net. Nothing else can give you a better idea of the United Sexual States of America:

The first thing we can do is put to bed the notion that the USA is homophobic, because we overwhelmingly love the lesbians. East to West, North to South, lesbians are the Donald Trump of porn choices: they're not at 100%, but they have enough a lead so that you might as well give them the crown.

It's interesting that lesbian-loving North Dakota is surrounded by three states -- Montana, Wyoming and Minnesota -- that lean toward step-sister fantasies. (Family values, perhaps?) And unlike the unabashed LESBIAN areas, those aforementioned step-mom states are thousands of miles apart from one another. It's like cancer clusters, only for, uh, step-mom porn.

More fascinating are Arkansas, Tennessee, Nebraska and Vermont's need to see Spongebob getting it on with Wilma Flintstone. I mean, who knew there was such a thing as cartoon porn? 

If you want to see how this plays out, you're going
to have to Google it yourself.

Me, that's who! That is, I was aware of little pornographic comic books from the 1930s nicknamed Tijuana Bibles. These crudely-drawn, cheaply-published things featured popular movie stars of the day in ridiculous stories leading up to incredibly graphic sexual situations... including those involving including Mickey Mouse, Minnie Mouse, Donald Duck and (gulp) Clarabelle Cow. Feel like throwing up your last three meals? Brother, that's the place to start.

But back to the map. Being a card-carrying ofay, I don't know the difference between "Ebony" and "Black," unless the former refers to having sex with a table. But the real outliers are Hawaii, the only one into Asian porn, and Rhode Island, which is strictly MILF. I grew up in Rhode Island, and I don't recall any MILF from my teen years. Either the mothers are younger now (probably), or the Ocean State kids are more desperate than I thought (definitely). 

So what can we learn from today's sex lesson? The United States of America isn't as straight-laced as Republicans and religious figures would have you think. And the people who take part in these particular porn searches likely aren't the ones having sex with children. Those would be the aforementioned Republicans and religious figures. All things considered, then, wanting to see Donald Duck having anal sex with Mickey Mouse now starts to seem rather harmless.

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