BREAKING NEWS: 5/2/16

Studies on the brain performed by scientists at Princeton University suggest that free will is an illusion.

Men refer to this as "marriage."

A member of a group supporting Hillary Clinton staged a cyberattack using child pornography to infect Facebook pages promoting Bernie Sanders, leading the social media network to take them down temporarily.

In related news, Bill Clinton reported that some of his computer files had been stolen the day before, but refused to go into detail.

Searcy Hayes has been offered $10,000 to make a sex tape with her husband because of her resemblance to Ted Cruz.

Heidi Cruz was overhead telling a friend, "Trust me, ten thousand isn't enough."

An Oklahoma court has ruled that forced oral sex isn't rape if the victim is unconscious from drinking.

They added that if the victim is conscious, however, then she was probably asking for it by wearing lipstick.

German computer scientists have developed a prototype system that allows a person to sign in to a computer by using the sounds inside their skull.

Oklahoma judges are unable to use the device.

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