BREAKING NEWS: 5/3/16

The American biotech company Bioquark Inc. is ready to begin clinical trials to bring the dead back to life.

The first volunteers will be the Ted Cruz and Bernie Sanders campaigns.

While campaigning in West Virginia yesterday, Hillary Clinton was confronted by a laid-off coal miner over her recent vow to "put a lot of coal miners and coal companies out of business." Clinton claimed her quote was "totally taken out of context."

"What I really said," she explained, "was that I was going to put you out of business eventually."



A growing number of tourists are experiencing what a Japanese psychiatrist calls "Paris Syndrome," a condition many first-time visitors suffer when visiting the French capital. Paris Syndrome can cause hallucinations, panic attacks, or hostility. 

American psychiatrists, however, have named it Trump Rally Syndrome.

Villagers in the Benggai Islands off Indonesia thought they had been blessed by an angel fallen from heaven when a beautiful doll washed up on a beach – only to discover it was an inflatable sex toy.

Upon second thought, however, they decided they were right.

Swedish director and artist Anders Weberg has created a 7 hour, 20 minute trailer for his movie Ambiancé. Weberg says the movie itself will be 30 days long.

Weberg added that absolutely no one will be admitted after the third week.

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