BREAKING NEWS: 5/4/16

Ted Cruz condemned Donald Trump for repeating a story in the National Enquirer linking Cruz' father to Lee Harvey Oswald.

As Cruz wound up the press conference, he added, "I urge all my supporters to join my father this weekend as he delivers his regular Sunday sermon at Our Lady of the Grassy Knoll."

Mars' Temptations Labs has created the Catterbox, a collar that translates a cat's mewing into human speech.

Company spokesman Brad Lanes admitted it could get a little boring hearing "Give me my goddamn food and get lost" all day.

Sesame Street sent a cease and desist letter to a company that used Bert and Ernie in its campaign ad that promoted at-home HIV and STD testing. 

In the letter, Sesame Street explained, "This is shameful. It's a well-established fact that Bert and Ernie have been using condoms for years."

New York Mayor Bill de Blasio and Deputy Police Commissioner Dermot Shea blamed this year's spike in crime on 2016 being a leap year. 

"And you know how some months have 31 days?" de Blasio asked. "Hoo boy, is it going to be rough this year!"

A study in Frontiers in Ecology and Evolution states that the woolly mammoths evolved away from one another, but interbred to create new creatures.

They are known as the Kardashians.

                                              *******************