Wednesday, June 8, 2016


In her victory speech last night, Hillary Clinton told the cheering crowd, "We believe that cooperation is better than conflict, unity is better division, empowerment is better than resentment and bridges are better than walls."

"And speaking from experience," she added, "it's better to throw a vase at your husband's head than a bottle."

Although having won only two states last night, Bernie Sanders plans on taking the contest to the Washington, DC primary next week, saying, "The struggle continues."

"And by struggle," he explained, "I mean how to convince my supporters to keep sending money."

On the Republican side, Donald Trump spoke after his 5-state primary sweep, vowing to win against Hillary Clinton in November.

Trump is already planning for the inaugural ball next January, and says that he looks forward to a traditional brownshirt ceremony.

In Atlanta, Jennifer Mulford has quit her job in order to adult breastfeed her boyfriend Brad Leeson every two hours. She says, “We both wanted the same thing out of the relationship — a magical bond that only breastfeeding can achieve.”

Experts said they've never seen so many boobs in one relationship.

The National Enquirer is reporting that exercise guru Richard Simmons is living as a woman named Fiona after undergoing a sex change.

Informed of the shocking news, the president of the Richard Simmons Fan Club responded, "Wait, he was a man?"

In Hawaii, Alexandria Duval was charged with second-degree murder in the death of her twin sister Anastasia by intentionally driving their SUV off a cliff. The sisters had worked together as yoga instructors.

Prosecutors said that if found guilty, Duval's final position will be Downward Facing Noose. 


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