Monday, June 13, 2016

BREAKING NEWS: ORLANDO EDITION

Omar Mateen has been identified as the perpetrator of the worst gun-related massacre in U.S. history (as of today), having killed 50 people at Pulse, a gay nightclub in Orlando, Florida. Mateen had called 911 to pledge allegiance to ISIS before the killing. Witnesses report that Mateen shouted, "Allahu Akbar" during the rampage. In addition, a former co-worker had reported Mateen to management, describing the killer as "unhinged and unstable," as well as being misogynistic, homophobic, anti-Semitic and anti-black. Mateen's father, Seddique, is the former host of an anti-American talk show on which he referred to the Taliban as "our warrior brothers," while the official ISIS news agency reports that the attack "was carried out by an Islamic state fighter."

Authorities are looking for a motive into the killing.


In related news, Texas Republican Lt. Governor Dan Patrick, an anti-gay rights advocate, deleted a Tweet he posted a few hours after the massacre which quoted the Biblical scripture, "A man reaps what he sows."

Patrick apologized for the Tweet. "The quote I meant to post was, 'If a man lies with a male as with a woman, they shall surely be put to death.' I'm sorry for the confusion." 



In tweeting about the killings, few Republicans mentioned that gays were the specific target, while Florida's own representative, the anti-LGBT Ted Yoho, didn't have anything to say at all.

When pressed for a comment, Yoho admitted that the massacre was "bittersweet."



Meanwhile, in a rare show of unity, Republican Senator Mitch McConnell and Democratic Senator Harry Reid appeared together to deliver prepared remarks regarding the Orlando killings.

"At a time like this, it's important that American citizens feel a sense of continuity," Reid said. "So we want to assure you that Democrats and Republicans will continue to say the same things we always do following this type of incident.  For instance, Democrats will do everything in their power to promote this tragedy as a simple crime rather than a terrorist act." 

McConnell added, "And let me say that the GOP will do its part by blocking any attempt to make AR-15 rifles illegal for civilian use, or to even enact common-sense gun laws. The NRA has donated over $8,000,000 to the GOP in the last 26 years, and we're not turning off that spigot any time soon." 

"I'm with you there," Reid said, "even if the NRA did give Democrats only a little over a million and a half during that time. The AR-15 is the same kind of gun used to kill 20 kids at Sandy Hook. We Democrats controlled the White House and both house of Congress then, and we didn't do a thing to change any laws then. Why the hell should we now? When kids and gays start giving us the kind of dough we get from the NRA, then we'll talk."

McConnell added,"Our thoughts and prayers go out to the families and the victims in Orlando, because that's all they're gonna get from us," before he and Reid high-fived each other.

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